What Does Love Look Like to You?

I’ll be the first to admit that my early relationships, including my marriage, were characterized by me interpreting actions incorrectly. I was young, I didn’t have enough experience to accurately put together a full picture of what the motives and behaviors of people were. And frankly, I misinterpreted what love and generosity looked like.

For example, when I got engaged, I had a very large ring. I took that as evidence of how deeply I was loved. Surely someone wouldn’t spend that much unless it meant something significant.

That’s one interpretation.

Another is that it was a grand gesture meant to impress others or maintain appearances. At the time, I chose the version that felt safer and that fit the more hopeful narrative. It never occurred to me it could mean anything else. With hindsight, and with everything else that followed, I’m far more inclined to believe it definitely was more about appearances and being a status symbol for him.

Having more discernment about what love looks like

Since then, and after a few more relationships, my definition of love has changed substantially. I’ve become less impressed with generic gestures (no matter how extravagant) and more appreciative of the ones that are personal.

Compatibility as a natural form of care

There are many ways people show care. They do nice things, give gifts, plan dates, say the right words. But I’ve learned that a lot of these actions can be incidental. By that I mean they often align with what suits the other person anyway. Their preferences, their routines, their idea of what a relationship should look like.

Sometimes that works beautifully. The most compatible couples are often those whose natural tendencies match effortlessly. And that matters, because one of the most important elements of a healthy relationship is being able to be your true self, tendencies included.

Showing care when it’s inconvenient

But beyond that baseline, I’ve come to believe love reveals itself in the ways someone is willing to inconvenience themselves for you. Not harm themselves. Not sacrifice their wellbeing. That’s something else entirely. I mean the moments where your needs disrupt their default setting, and they still show up.

Married for years without a major argument

For context, I was married for ten years without a major argument. On paper, that sounds impressive. In reality, it was mostly because I was younger, unusually agreeable, and assumed my much older husband knew best. Our relationship was never tested in a real way because he never had to make a real sacrifice for me. I shaped my life around what he wanted, believing that was what partnership looked like. I had many of the things I thought I wanted, but they were largely defined by someone else’s vision.

More than a decade into the relationship, I asked for something that mattered a lot to me. I wanted to travel overseas for the wedding of one of my closest friends. It wasn’t framed as a whim or a luxury. Showing up for the people I love is a core value of mine. The answer was a firm no, with no discussion. Well, there wasn’t a two-way discussion, it was him overreacting to me even asking. I wasn’t expecting him to be totally agreeable but the outburst of a reaction I got was completely unexpected. The finances were there, and the issue wasn’t practicality. It was obvious to me for the first time that he didn’t deem this want of mine as worthy.

Never having previously tested the relationship

I remember in this moment recognizing this was the first time I had asked for something that didn’t align with his priorities. His reaction did not pass any healthy relationship test at all. I was distraught that it caused this much of a disruption but also distraught at the thought that my values were meaningless or insignificant unless they matched his. I struggled with ideas for a few years, and it was the start of a long journey of introspection that eventually led to me seeking a divorce. It’s an experience that made a huge impression on me. Someone who loves you may not always understand why something matters to you, but they respect that it does. It’s hard to conclude that there was any real consideration there.

Caring in ways that are convenient

The revelation that relationship gestures occur only when convenient is a harsh one to experience. I once had an ex-boyfriend who was caring and thoughtful about me. They saw me for who I was, and I adored that. But we had a problem every time he had some inconvenience or setback in his life. He would say he had a lot going on at the moment when it all became too much for him and then come back around when things were good again. It was exhaustive and eventually annoying. It’s really hard to claim ‘having a lot on’ to a single mother who was also getting her Masters degree at the time.

Being selectively caring by doing things that suit them

Another tell that someone isn’t really considering you is when their “help” conveniently suits them. There’s a video that does the rounds online of a woman hosting a party. The food isn’t prepped, the kids need changing, the inside of the house needs cleaning. Meanwhile, her husband is outside trimming hedges. Technically helpful but completely misaligned with what’s needed. Everyone watching understands the same thing: he’s doing what he wants, not what the situation requires.

The same dynamic shows up in romance. Be wary of grand gestures that orbit the giver more than the receiver. Gifts chosen for convenience or that reflect their taste only. Effort that looks loving from the outside but feels oddly impersonal. I once saw someone describe receiving flannel pajamas from a partner despite being openly, unapologetically the girliest girl ever. Pajamas are a wonderful gift if they’re for the right person. I had to jokingly ask, ‘has he met you?’ haha

So, what does genuine care actually look like?

There are certain unmistakable characteristics of considerate love. It shows up when it’s clear that a partner fully sees you for who you are, and when they go out of their way (even at their inconvenience) to do something for or support the things that are meaningful to you. The more specific to you the better.

And while there are plentiful examples of questionable relationship dynamics, some of my favorite examples also come from stories shared online:

-          A husband who keeps a notes app filled with his wife’s exact food orders from every restaurant they visit.

-          A boyfriend who builds a custom shelf to display his partner’s mug collection after learning how much it means to her. (The same mug collection that her ex-husband thought was a waste of space)

-          A man who actively learns how to take better photos of his girlfriend because he knows it matters to her.

-          A partner who takes a genuine interest in hobbies they don’t share, simply because they’re important to her.

-          A boyfriend who draws a flattering portrait of his girlfriend (detailing the features he admires and also includes clues to her interests) in a couples game even though he doesn’t have very much artistic skill.

What I love about these examples are that they show a willingness to pay attention and have a curiosity about their significant other. They require seeing the other person as a full individual rather than an accessory to your life.

Can you really love someone if you don’t see or consider them?

This is often the question I ask myself when observing relationships don’t have the qualities of thoughtful consideration. For myself the answer is no. I wouldn’t adequately feel cared for if someone didn’t or couldn’t fully see and appreciate who I am and act in a way that supports it. I have been in those relationships, and I know for sure they’re not for me any longer.

But what I need might not be the same thing that you need. So, I connect back with the title of this little blog post and ask again, ‘What does love look like to you?’ What are the ways that someone could care that would suit you specifically? How would they react in moments of crisis or need?

If you’re in a relationship or considering one right now- strip away the promises, the language, the sweet talk and what actions is someone leaving you with? It’s sometimes a scary answer to face but it might save you a lot of heartache later to identify deficiencies now. It might also give you encouragement to pursue a connection if you notice someone taking the time to get to know you in a real way.