Rebuilding Your Inner Circle of Friends After Loss or Divorce
Along with all the changes that I had in my life during the start of my divorce, came the awkwardness of trying to figure out how my social circle would change. I had written in a previous article about what it was like to lose friends and what that might look like. This blog post is about what you can do when you’re ready to think about rebuilding friendships again and developing a new inner circle.
It's possible you didn’t previously have an inner circle, and this might be all new material. Either way, we all benefit from connection to others so if that’s currently missing from your life and you want to build that for yourself, this could be a good place to start.
Mourning your Previous Connections and Friendships
When your relationship status or life circumstances change, so can your connections. Friends who once were an integral part of your world may not know how to relate anymore. It’s possible that some could take sides, some might not be able to face the emotions of a divorce themselves. It’s also possible they have a lot of turmoil going on in their life and it doesn’t have anything to do with you.
If you are starting to notice this sort of movement around you, don’t automatically assume it’s a rejection. Think of it as a reset. You’re building a new life and figuring out how the social pieces now fit is part of the process.
Allow yourself to grieve the friendships that have faded but know that there will be others out there that you could connect with.
Reconnecting With Yourself First
This is the part where I think finding friends is a lot like dating. Rushing out there to meet anyone you can isn’t always the best plan. After a loss like divorce, you’re faced with a new reality. You may still even be getting your bearings and understanding who you really are outside of your identity as part of a couple. This is a good time to be reflective about what you want for yourself.
Some questions you might ask yourself:
· What kind of energy feels good to be around right now?
· What kinds of conversations leave me feeling lighter, not drained?
· What do I actually want more of in my days?
It sounds cheesy, but I always find it nice to go out for walks, go to the farmers market or even join classes by myself. Sometimes rediscovering who you are makes it easier to see who might fit into this next chapter of your life that you’re working on.
Finding New Circles That Support Your Present Life
New Connections
When you’re ready, finding gentle ways to widen your social world again is the next step.
It doesn’t need to happen all at once, but you might want to start thinking about the places and activities that feel aligned with who you are now and the person you’re becoming. It could be a run club, or a volunteering opportunity, a book club, or even just a social event at your local café. If you’re short on time or energy, online communities can be an outlet for connection as well with groups and spaces built around all types of hobbies or even shared life experiences like single parenting.
Previous Connections
This might be the opportunity to reach out to those you haven’t spoken to for a while and get a feel for the type of connection that might still exist. An old colleague, a school friend or a neighbor who has always been kind to you might be worth making the effort to keep in touch with. Rebuilding your circle doesn’t always mean creating an entirely new one.
Putting the Time in to Cultivate Your Connections
For a while it might feel like you’re following up with people and it doesn’t always feel natural, but if it matters to you then you’ll put in the effort. It should eventually feel like a reciprocal relationship once though. Hopefully you’ll get a sense of how others communicate, their rhythms- and in turn they should learn yours. Even if it doesn’t get past the acquaintances stage you at least now have a community of friendly and familiar faces you can say hi to in passing and I’ve learned there can be a sense of comfort in that, too.
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