If you’ve ever wondered “what do I actually want in a relationship?” you’re not alone.
Figuring out your needs, values, and expectations is no simple thing. It takes a lot of reflection, especially after a breakup or a period of being single.
This guide will help you get clear on what you want in a relationship, so you can stop second-guessing your choices and start inviting the right people into your life.
It’s easy to get swept up in the idea of love without ever pausing to ask what we actually want from it. Taking the time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a relationship emotionally, mentally and from a practical standpoint is a good place to start. When you know your needs and values, you’re more likely to recognise the right kind of connection when it appears.
Love means different things to different people
Romantic relationships are deeply personal, and yet, when someone says they're looking for a partner or hoping to fall in love, we often make our own assumptions about what that means.
The number of times I’ve had well-meaning friends try to set me up with a mutual and it makes me question whether they even know me, it’s amusing. The other person might be great, but I can immediately see we don’t have anything in common (other than maybe being single parents around the same age).
It makes me wonder what on earth made them think we would be compatible.
…and then I remember, everyone views compatibility so differently!
Love and compatibility mean different things to different people. Figuring out what’s important for you can help you find the right match.
How to Figure Out What You Want in a Relationship (summary)
Step 1: Define the relationship you want
Step 2: Identify your non-negotiables (things like lifestyle, emotional availability, values)
Step 3: Understand why do you want a relationship
Step 4: Learn from your current and past relationships
Step 5: Build a life you love
What do you want in a relationship?
A “relationship" means something different to everyone. For some, it’s about companionship—someone to share life with who doesn’t stir up too many waves. For others, it’s about shared interests and doing life as a duo. And then there are those who prioritize independence, valuing personal space and time apart, even within a committed relationship.
Knowing what kind of relationship you’re after isn’t just helpful—it’s essential. It requires introspection, honesty, and sometimes the willingness to pass on people or opportunities that aren’t the right fit for you.
Over time, I’ve learned that there’s no singular right answer to this. I’ve seen plenty of relationships that seem to work that I’d never want any part of in my own life. But it works for them, and they seem happy.
I’ve learned not to judge what others might need or want in a relationship.
Are you the type of person who prefers to move through life as a duo? Or do you like your space and to come together after you’ve been off on your own adventures. You get to decide and then seek out someone who has that same preference.
Step 1: Define the relationship you want
Have you ever stopped to think about the type of relationship you’re really after?
It’s easy to get swept up in societal expectations or follow a script written by others, but relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all.
Start by envisioning your ideal day-to-day life with a partner. Do you imagine spending most of your time together, engaging in shared hobbies and interests? Or do you see a relationship where both of you have your own space to thrive independently? Perhaps you’re somewhere in between. There’s no wrong answer—just what feels right for you.
Once you’ve got a clearer picture, think about your long-term goals. For example, if moving abroad is non-negotiable for you but the person you’re dating is firmly rooted in their hometown, that’s a significant mismatch. Recognizing these gaps early can save you from heartache down the road.
If the things you enjoy doing are mutually appreciated by the other person, you might have the recipe for compatibility.
Step 2: Identify your non-negotiables
Have you ever entertained a romantic relationship simply because it was available? Maybe you were lonely, or the idea of companionship—even if it wasn’t ideal—felt better than being alone. These moments are understandable but rarely fulfilling.
Being selective doesn’t mean having impossibly high standards. It means trusting yourself to wait for a relationship that aligns with what matters most to you, as opposed to ignoring your instincts when dating. This can be easier said than done, especially when societal pressures or personal insecurities creep in.
When I talk about non-negotiables, I refer mostly to character traits or ways of moving through the world than physical traits. I would personally prioritise someone who was considerate and intelligent over someone who was over six feet tall and helpless. And don’t mistake me saying I don’t prioritise physical traits as not caring about attraction. I very much think attraction is an important non-negotiable for me because it’s a form of compatibility.
Sometimes your list of non-negotiables is an actual list that is worth writing down.
Step 3: Understanding why you want a relationship
Equally important to defining what you want is understanding why you want a relationship in the first place. Are you motivated by a genuine desire for connection, or are you hoping a partner will fill a void? The latter can lead to unbalanced relationships where expectations become burdensome.
If you’re driven by a fear of being alone, it’s worth exploring ways to cultivate a fulfilling single life. By addressing feelings of loneliness and finding happiness within yourself, you’re more likely to approach relationships from a place of strength rather than desperation.
Do you feel like you need a relationship to fill a void, or are you looking for someone to complement an already full life?
Step 4: Take stock of your current relationships
When thinking about romantic relationships, it can be helpful to reflect on the relationships that already bring meaning to your life. I had avoided using the word “value” because I hesitate to use such a transactional term. Rather than asking ‘what do you get out of your relationships’ I’m more concerned with ‘how does that relationship make you feel’.
When it comes to all your friendships or family relationships, consider the people who uplift you. How do they make you feel? What qualities do they bring to your life?
On the flip side, think about relationships that feel unbalanced or draining. The gut reaction you have when someone mentions a close friend’s name compared to that of a distant acquaintance is telling. What traits do those cherished relationships share, and how much of yourself do you feel safe revealing in them?
By identifying the elements of your strongest relationships, you can better understand the qualities you may want in a partner.
Your friendships and how they make you feel can tell you a lot about the things that might be important for you in a relationship.
Step 5: Creating fulfillment within yourself
When you’re used to doing so many things for yourself already, it’s tempting to hope or wish for a silver bullet like, say, a handsome Disney prince to come and make everything easier.
Trust me, the existence of said prince has crossed my mind.
Nevertheless, I’ve accepted that I’ll be doing my own rescuing until he decides to show up.
While a loving relationship can certainly enhance your life, relying on someone else to fill your emotional, financial, or personal gaps isn’t the most solid plan.
Instead, consider focusing on building a fulfilling life for yourself. This might mean establishing a solid financial foundation, cultivating supportive friendships, or pursuing hobbies and passions that bring you joy. Not only does this make you happier, but it also positions you to attract a partner who complements your life rather than compensates for it.
Finding your passions and building a life you love can help ensure your happiness doesn’t rely on a romantic partner.
Beware grocery shopping when you’re hungry
One helpful analogy to dating or looking for a romantic relationship when you’re already feeling lonely: grocery shopping on an empty stomach. When you’re hungry, you’re more likely to grab whatever is convenient, even if it’s not the healthiest choice. But when you’re well-fed, you make more deliberate decisions that serve your long-term needs. The same principle applies to relationships. By ensuring your emotional "cup" is full, you’re less likely to settle for something that doesn’t truly fulfill you.
Support, care, and stability—these are things you can begin to create for yourself. Imagine putting your life on hold, waiting for someone to "save" you. It robs you of the power and agency to shape your own happiness. By taking charge now, you’re setting the stage for a relationship built on mutual respect and shared goals.
It’s an ongoing process
Figuring out what you want from a romantic relationship isn’t a one-time exercise. It’s an ongoing process that evolves as you grow and change. Your needs, priorities, and desires might look different at various stages of your life, and that’s okay. What matters is your willingness to ask the tough questions, stay true to yourself, and set healthy boundaries when dating.
For instance, you might think you’ve got it all figured out, only to meet someone who challenges your assumptions or opens your eyes to new possibilities. That’s part of the journey. By remaining curious and flexible, you allow yourself to explore relationships in a way that feels authentic and fulfilling.
Final Thoughts
At its core, figuring out what you want from a romantic relationship is about clarity and intention. It’s about understanding your own needs, recognizing the qualities you value in others, and creating a life that’s already rich and meaningful. Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term partnership, the questions you ask yourself today can set the foundation for a healthier and more satisfying future.
While there’s no definitive roadmap to love, there are tools to guide you along the way. By taking stock of your current relationships, being selective about who you invest your time in, and fostering fulfillment within yourself, you’ll be well on your way to creating the kind of connection you truly desire.
FAQs for Figuring Out What You Want From a Romantic Relationship
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Start by identifying how you want to feel, your non-negotiables, and what your ideal lifestyle looks like with a partner.
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Emotional support, communication, shared values, independence, physical affection.
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Yes, of course! It takes time to know what you want. Clarity usually comes from experience, reflection, and learning what doesn’t work.