How to Deal With Loneliness After a Breakup
The reality of a breakup would always hit me hardest in the mornings and evenings when I’d expect a greeting or a goodnight that never came. Or sometimes during the day I’d see a funny story and have to remind myself that I can’t share it with that person anymore. Even when I fully understood the reasons that I didn’t want to be with someone, it was hard to get over missing what they represented – connection and closeness with another person.
One of the biggest mind tricks you get to deal with when going through a breakup is that sometimes you do miss an ex who was not good for you at all. Giving yourself grace about it is important during this time. That feeling of loneliness doesn’t necessarily mean the breakup was a mistake. Especially during the first three days of a breakup you’ll be going through all kinds of emotions that might be difficult to reconcile. I wrote a blog post about my go-to strategies for dealing with the turmoil of the first three days that might help.
But once the raw emotions of grieving a relationship have subsided, you may be left feeling (among other things) lonely.
Why Do You Feel So Lonely After a Breakup?
If you were used to having someone around all the time, if they were baked into your regular routine, a breakup can be so disruptive to life as you knew it. I observed a few different layers to this during my own experiences.
You've Lost Your Everyday Companion
Your go-to ‘date’ or ‘plus one’ is no longer. The person you routinely texted, called, saw, or shared mundane moments with is suddenly absent. That’s not a small loss. The disruption of routine can make the absence feel even bigger, regardless of whether or not this was a good person for you in the slightest.
You're Grieving More Than the Relationship
You're potentially grieving your routines, future plans, shared friends, identity within the relationship, and sense of security. I remember thinking after the end of a lengthy relationship that I’d have to start my romantic life from scratch again once this person was gone. All of a sudden there was uncertainty.
Your Brain Is Still Expecting Them to Be There
Having someone around that you cared about means you probably thought about them often. You might reach for a phone notification expecting a message from them. Your first instinct might be to forward them a meme you know only they’d understand. Habits are hard to break and they can persist sometime after a relationship has ended.
Loneliness Doesn't Mean You Made the Wrong Decision
What I hope you take away from this article is that if you’re missing someone’s presence, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a sign the relationship was meant to be. You can know a relationship wasn’t right and still desperately miss them. I always found it helpful to figure out the distinction of where my feelings really stemmed from. As you might know, loneliness and a fear of it can make us seek out the comfort of someone we know rather than facing the unknown.
I would often ask myself:
· Do I miss them, or do I miss having someone to share things with?
· Am I remembering the problems as clearly as I’m remembering the good times?
· Would getting back together solve any of the problems that ended our relationship?
Even working through this exercise, and logically knowing that it was a good thing your relationship ended, isn’t always solace for a lonely heart.
What to Do When Loneliness Hits
Even when you find yourself feeling good, there are going to be moments where you backslide into your emotions. It’s common to be doing well and then have some event or reminder that you do feel a little lonely. Here are some of the things I’ve found helpful when dealing with this treacherous time.
Don't Immediately Contact Your Ex
I never once felt great after I did this, but I understand where the desire to reach out comes from. Thirty days is an arbitrary number, but I think it’s a good amount of days to totally avoid this person if you can – to break the habit. If you feel the urge to get in contact I highly urge to pause and try to distract yourself, say that you’ll wait a certain amount of time. It’s likely the emotional wave will pass. If you absolutely need to get something off your chest and work through it, write it as a message in your notes instead. You’ll feel much better if you don’t give in and let them know you’ve been struggling.
Reach Out to Someone Else
One of my go-to moves was to reach out to a friend with a bid of connection rather than hoping my ex could be the person to do that. Having a regular call scheduled with a friend or family member helps you feel a sense of connection again. You might not even need to talk about the breakup; you just need a distraction or company.
Get Out of the House
Fresh air can do wonders for your mental health. You might go for a walk, be amongst people in a café, pop in to see a friend, browse a bookstore, get some activity in a group class or the gym. Being amongst others (not immediately for the purpose of meeting someone new) is a good way to remember how to exist outside of a couple. Being around people can help even when you don’t feel particularly social.
Create Something to Look Forward To
Again, I’m a big fan of distractions during this early time and one for the best ways to spend your mental energy is giving yourself something to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be a big thing like an island getaway. Even a dinner or a special interest lecture can be something exciting. Make sure you have something that gets you excited about your future.
Let Yourself Feel Lonely Without Trying to Fix It Immediately
There are some moments where maybe a distraction isn’t the answer, like when your emotions are asking to be acknowledged. You don’t have to eliminate every uncomfortable feeling. There are times where it’s worth sitting with them, if you feel safe doing so. One of the greatest lessons I learned about dealing with loneliness is that it often was pointing me to something that deep down I needed to admit. You might totally bypass some important lessons if you avoid ever feeling that discomfort.
What to Do at Night When You Feel Most Alone
There will inevitably be times that dealing with loneliness will be harder. Nighttime in particular, when you’re easing into the restful part of your day can be difficult because there are fewer distractions and tasks to keep your mind off of the feelings of loneliness. I thought it deserved its own section with some of the things that I’ve learned help.
Create a new and simple evening routine that marks this new part of your life
Avoid repeatedly checking your phone, you don’t need a portal that can connect you to the person you have an urge to reach out to
Don't scroll through old photos/messages, it can be hurtful to yourself to wallow in memories without the context of the things that were wrong in the relationship, no rose-colored glasses here please
Watch something comforting and familiar. If you have a feel-good, optimistic show or movie this might be the time to revisit it.
Read. I love this one because it helps take you out of your own story even if just for a brief moment.
Have a shower or bath. The sensory deprivation and warmth of water can be a comfort.
Give yourself permission to have a sad night without interpreting it as a setback. Let yourself cry, it might be cathartic.
How to Stop Loneliness from Turning Into Checking On Your Ex
If you’re tempted check in on your ex and their social media presence, you might need to create some new rules around using your phone, at least in the early days. Re-reading old messages, sleuthing for likes and followers, looking at old photos – none of these things are a good look. You might have temporary relief by feeding the need fueled by your curiosity, but there’s not a lot of good that comes from it.
For me, the reason that it’s such a trap is that when you are working toward moving on from someone I do believe focusing on your own life is precisely the thing you need. “What is he doing now?” It honestly shouldn’t concern you, and I mean that in the kindest way.
If you have gone ahead and succumbed to the temptation of stalking their social media accounts I do have some ideas about how to stop checking on your ex’s social media accounts.
Build a Life That Doesn't Revolve Around the Relationship
As you learn to step away from the phone and social media account of your ex, why not put that energy into building your dream life. My biggest breakup and loneliness tip is to grow fully into yourself and begin building a life that really is in the image of your best self. I don’t mean an ego-driven exercise where you’ll show your ex what they’re missing. I mean in a way that honors who you really are and what’s important to you.
And despite what you think it doesn’t have to be this huge, spectacular overhaul – at least it doesn’t need to start that way. Pouring care and attention into yourself and your own life can be quite healing. This is especially true if you have been like I was and often gave too much to others. This is a time where you can give yourself the care that you deserve. How do you start to go about this?
Reclaim Your Old Routines
Get back to the things you love doing that may have been shifted out of your life. This could be exercise classes, hobbies, regularly scheduled coffee or breakfast with friends. Maybe you enjoy going to the thrift shop on the weekend. The great thing is that your time is yours now.
Try Something That Is Just Yours
Surprise yourself by seeking out something new and you may just learn more about yourself. If there is a new class that you are drawn to, or a creative skill you want to learn more about this is the time to try it. Develop a curiosity about the things that touch you or interest you. The positive is that you may also find a community of people that you have things in common with.
Learn the Art of Spending Time Alone
Guess what, you’re allowed to go to a movie or concert by yourself. If there are things you really want to do but feel a little held back because you don’t have a companion with you, learn how to move past that discomfort and you could find it really fulfilling. Of course, you can start with baby steps like sitting in a café by yourself or grabbing dinner out by yourself. It might seem counterintuitive that this might be a method of staving off loneliness, but I’ve never found enjoying my own personal time as being alone. I think the difference is that it never felt like something was missing, I was using solitude in a purposeful way. Being alone and being lonely aren’t always the same thing.
What If You Feel Lonely Even When You're Surrounded by People?
I get it, being around your friends is not the same as having a primary romantic relationship. Friends can’t necessarily replace the emotional intimacy that you had with your partner. You may be socially active AND still miss that kind of connection you once had.
Again, I think it’s worth mentioning if that loneliness still exists, it doesn’t mean something is wrong. Sometimes you long for a deeper connection rather than simply more social activity. You may eventually be ready to date for the purposes of finding this type of connection again, but be wary of diving in again too soon. There is value to feeling the emotions that come after a breakup. If you are at a stage where you’re thinking you might be willing to start meeting new people, I’ve got a blog where I share how I knew I was ready to date again.
How Long Does Loneliness Last After a Breakup?
I wish I could tell you there was a predictable timeline to these events but there’s not. What I am hopeful for is that you learn to ride the waves of discomfort that come. Your healing will depend on the relationship, circumstances, and how deeply you feel the loss. You might feel fine for several days, but don’t be discouraged if it’s then followed by a day where you feel kind of flat. Take extra good care on those days.
You might be hoping for a day where you never have to think of your ex again, but I think it’s even better when you can think back on them and not feel much at all. It takes some time for that to happen, but if you weather these periods of loneliness (hopefully some of the above tips come in handy) then you’ll be even stronger on the other side.