How to Rebuild Your Identity Outside of a Relationship
It was my choice after the divorce not to date for a while. I did this partly because I had a small child and another older child to make sure were okay, but also because I knew that coming out of a long-term relationship meant that I was still the ‘couple version’ of me. Getting out of a relationship makes you realise how many of the routines and choices that are a part of your life are influenced by the person you’re with. The end of that relationship was a chance to get reconnected with the most true version of myself.
What happens when you’re part of a couple for a long time
Unless you’re vigilant, your sense of self can fall by the wayside when you’ve spent years functioning primarily as part of a couple or family. This isn’t a bad thing, but there’s a good chance that significant parts of you might have been held back or masked for a while in order to keep the peace. If this is what you find yourself doing, if after the end of your relationship you felt a sense of relief this is a good chance to begin observing the ways that you move through the world.
How to rebuild your identity after divorce
Notice what disappeared when the relationship became your identity
What are some of the things that you used to do, but no longer had room in your coupled-up life? For me, the big one was being able to decide where and how I wanted to spend on the things that were important to me. I had to always justify my reasons for making purchases and even when I didn’t ask I knew I’d be scrutinized eventually, so I began to self- police. This goes into more complex issues of financial control, but knowing that I was constricted in this way changed how I interacted with the people around me. There might be things you find yourself doing differently now that you’re out of a couple. For example, maybe you could do without cooking where before you always made sure to have dinner ready in the evening. Yes, that’s also me.
Spend time alone without immediately filling the space
When you are at the beginning of a split it’s nice to create new habits for yourself and enjoy your own company. I have known people, who out of loneliness, would immediately get booked and busy but it’s something I very much avoided. I needed to give myself the time to fully take up space without prioritizing anyone else or their plans.
Reconnect with old friends
I’ve written in another blog post about how older friends who knew us in our younger, less stressed-out-by-life versions of ourselves might hold some of the pieces of who we used to be. Maybe this is an old version of you, but maybe it’s also an authentic version. It might be worth revisiting some earlier iterations of your personality to see if any of them fit, or surprise you. I remember having friends tell me repeatedly, that when I was not around my husband I was like a very different person. I assume they meant lighter, and more fun because it certainly felt that way.
Rediscover interests you abandoned
Just like visiting friends from the past, engaging in the activities that you previously have loved might give you insights into parts of you that you had let go. So much of couple life and family life can be ultra practical – to the point that we don’t have any time for whimsy. I know that for me, returning to a sense of joy and play were pieces that were always important to me but didn’t have a lot of space to appear when I was in a couple. Some of the things that I do now that I didn’t when I was married are travel more, go to concerts, in general having experiences with friends and family.
Make decisions based on what you want
A lot of the suggestions thus far have been about honoring the past version of you that might have been squeezed out when you became a couple. I do also believe that we change and grow up even within a couple and part of that is deciding which parts are the couple version of you and which is the authentic version of you that might have adjusted in this way anyway. Thinking about your future and what you want is one way to tap into this growing and emerging version of yourself.
It can be overwhelming to figure out what we want (remember you don’t have to do it in a day) but it is helpful that if you left a relationship you clearly know what you don’t want. Start with that first. If you’re like me you came away with a lot of things you’d never allow yourself to compromise on any longer. They make for very powerful directives.
And then the fun part of dreaming, thinking, considering, and hoping for a future that you can build will eventually come. Those are the things that I would say you start making your decisions based off of.
Build routines that belong only to you
You don’t need to overhaul your entire life but it’s worth building in new routines that suit your sensibilities. Afterall, you don’t necessarily need to accommodate another person now so you can eat dinner at the time you want to, sleep when you want to, decide when to do your home reset. You’re coming from an environment when you needed to compromise all the time, now you get to organize your schedule to what suits you.
Pay attention to who you are around different people
We all have multitudes within us, and some people bring out different parts of us than others. There’s no need to pigeonhole yourself into a specific identity. Notice how your personality changes depending on who is in front of you. Who do you feel more energized around? Who are the people who feel like an energy drain. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they or you are a bad person, just that they may not be a great friend fit.
Let your new identity develop rather than trying to define it immediately
Lastly, take your time and let the discovery of who you’ve become unfold. You’ll likely be surprised, intrigued, confused, and hopefully have a lot of fun in this stage of trying new things and revisiting your history. Anyway, with each day that goes by you’re changing and growing so there’s no end date for this. I think more than anything, staying connected with yourself is the ongoing project.