What I Learned About Self-Love After Divorce

I didn’t even know that self-love was a problem for me until the end of my relationship. When I was doing the postmortem on my marriage and thinking about what the dynamic truly was, it was hard to deny that I had a self-love problem – namely that I was suffering from a lack of it.

It was confronting to realize that I had been married to someone who was unable to meet me emotionally and frankly didn’t know me. But for all the things I could have issue with this other person, the fact was that I chose that.

THIS was the problem that I set out to understand in the years after our separation and divorce.

Unpacking the uncomfortable truths about my self-beliefs

What did it say about my beliefs that I didn’t consider tenderness and care to be important to me? How did I draw that conclusion? Quite simply, I choose a lifelong partnership that lacked the nurturing that I need. If I’m real about it, beyond security and consistency, I didn’t think about what I needed in the slightest. I thought we were a good match because I had something he needed, and he was quite a particular person. I cringe so hard when I think about how young and naïve I was. This way of thinking said volumes about how I thought about what I deserved or even needed.

When self-reliance backfires

I’ve always been self-sufficient, and somewhere along the way, proving that I could do things on my own and being praised for putting up with a lot was a point of pride. It was also a vulnerable part of me that could be easily manipulated. I’m only just getting comfortable now with acknowledging the ways that I was taken advantage of. As someone who is used to having their shit together, this is not an easy thing to admit.

I wasn’t sure how far in my past this behaviour stemmed from or what caused it, but everything I did up until that point showed me that I considered myself to be the last in line when it came to care. When I was married the hierarchy of care was my husband (the squeaky wheel gets the oil, doesn’t it?), the kids, and then me.

The entire household revolved around a singular person, and I upheld that dynamic for so long – longer than I should have, regrettably. Ours wasn’t a relationship that was once good but then fell out of love. It was a poor dynamic from the start. I was okay with not having some very basic needs met, while at the same time over-accommodating the other person.

The work of self-acceptance and self-love

I had to dig pretty deep to figure out that ignoring my own need for care, or even thinking that I didn’t require care, was related to a belief that my worth was connected by how helpful I was to others. And don’t get me wrong, I love that part of me sometimes. Being helpful to others makes it easy to build a community around you. However, it does not bode well if you meet the wrong person who is happy to take advantage of that generosity.

The irony is that being with someone who was willing to see me run myself ragged was what forced me to advocate for myself. After years of constant illness and huge amounts of stress I had no choice but to demand rest. Later I would go a step further and remove myself from the situation entirely. By the time I left I was totally run down and exhausted. Then came the process of undoing all that built-up stress.

Making up for lost care

I’m not kidding when I say the subsequent years after my divorce were characterized by a lot of naps. My time was my own and I instinctively knew I needed to listen to what my body needed. I totally changed my mindset around rest and now think of it as an important necessity rather than something I need to earn.

I am still constantly amazed at how long it’s taken to undo all the stress that I endured during my marriage. On more than one occasion my divorce lawyer expressed disbelief at how I lasted that long. My healed self has sympathy for the person who I used to be, whereas I might have previously been very judge-y about my inability to see and prevent what was happening.

Accepting that I deserve love and care

It sounds so simple but fully embodying a sense of self-care isn’t as easy as announcing it one day. I had a lot of poor habits and ways of thinking that still lingered after I left the marriage. At first, I would have to actively remind myself that I didn’t need to feel guilty about luxuriating in bed on a weekend morning rather than getting to chores. I would tell myself that I needed the rest and that it would allow me to be more alert and active later when I did get around to the tasks I needed to complete. But then I realized that mindset was only just an intermediate baby step – I was still having to justify to myself WHY rest was important.

I would say, now, I’m much further along in embodying authentic self-love because I no longer need to attach that ‘practical’ effect rest could have. I simply feel like I want to rest and so I do it without question, without guilt, without justification.

Once I mastered the ‘I want rest, so I will rest’ notion, I moved onto challenging other beliefs that I was holding that seemed contradictory to self-love. I have worked on accepting a body that is holding more pounds than I’m used to, I forgive myself when I make mistakes, I don’t allow myself to be consumed with being productive all day.

And before you start thinking this is a recipe for lethargy and moving away from excellence, let me tell you that somehow I’m better at the things that I used to do. Turns out when you’re taking care of yourself, your life takes care of itself. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have tight deadlines that I need to stay up for, or that I don’t get carried away writing without rest. These end up being purposeful choices that are the EXCEPTION to how I choose to live my days, not the rule.

A loving work in progress

Years on from realizing all of this, I still get a little thrill when my sleep tracker registers a great score, or when I advocate for something I need and accept help from another person.  These are still relatively new experiences for me. Sometimes, when I’m tempted to overextend myself for something I care a lot about, I have to take a step back and think about whether this activity would be too much of a commitment at this time.

Sometimes I have the time and space to give more of myself (as is my nature) but it’s also becoming my nature to protect my energy reserves so that I’m not teetering on the edge of stress on a regular basis. It’s something I’m quite proud of now but I know it will continue to be something I’ll have to be vigilant about. The best part though is knowing that I can be generous with my time without always being self-sacrificing. These things can co-exist.