Why Do I Feel So Unhappy In My Marriage?
I’m an avid reader. A slow reader, but an avid one. And the other day I read a sentence from the author Carmen Maria Machado in her memoir In The Dream House that stopped me in my tracks.
She brilliantly recounts the circumstances that led her into an abusive relationship and at each step describes the gradually intensifying experiences she encounters- noting her state of mind at different periods of this relationship. In the earliest stages when she’s starting to feel some unease about what might be unfolding she describes ‘…an inability to find logical footing when you’re being knocked around by waves of lust, love, loneliness.’
This gorgeous sentence encapsulates something that I’ve always thought was one of the hallmarks of trying to settle into the wrong relationship- contending with the contradiction of it all.
Are you invested in the outcome, or do you want the truth?
The other day I was talking with a friend over coffee and noting how strange it was to observe the ways that we as people contort ourselves to live with circumstances that we know are contradictory or incompatible.
Life, in itself, carries all types of contradictions:
- We have to plan for a future without knowing how long that will be
- An event as miraculous as giving birth is such a commonplace occurrence
These aren’t the types of contradictions that I’m talking about. Most of us can look at the above scenarios as genuine philosophical puzzles and get on with our day.
What I’m referring to are the things that we might have to look away from to uphold the status quo. And here by status quo I’m referring to a relationship. I reflect on my own experience and the excuses I used to make to minimize what was going on:
- The other person doesn’t know me because I haven’t shown up enough in a real way.
- We argue all the time because raising two small children is stressful.
- They’re better with money so I don’t really need to know the details of our finances
- They’re not great at regular communication but that’s okay because we all have different strengths.
Having been removed from these situations, and no longer being committed to the idea of staying together, I can now rebut them in a way that more accurately portrays the circumstances:
- This person wasn’t interested in getting to know who I was because they only looked at me for what I could do for them.
- We always fought, even before having kids.
- They didn’t want me to be privy to financial dealings and felt totally okay with me being financially vulnerable/unprotected.
- That lack of communication was probably due to entertaining so many other people or only caring about showing up when they needed me.
These are all hard truths to admit if you are trying to sustain a relationship, because objectively anyone would probably advise you to step away. And if you don’t want that outcome, you would rather not deal with the obvious truths.
My own observations and biases about relationship dynamics
I’m pretty open about the fact that I have a biased view about relationships that carry some hint of the kind of dynamic that I had in my previous ones. I have big feelings about significant age gaps. I can sense when a woman is playing the role of a married single mother. I know what it looks like to manage the reaction of a spouse to get the least amount of blowback. I know what it’s like to make excuses for a new love interest who doesn’t show up consistently. I’m intimately familiar with what these things look like because I have a lived experience carrying out these patterns.
For this reason, I also don’t judge people when I see them playing out this role in their lives. I recognize how easily we might slip into this pattern- particularly to uphold something that we deem to bring value to our lives.
The author I previously quoted cleanly alliterates some possible causation, as she calls out ‘lust, love, loneliness.’
What stands out to me the most when I meet someone in this position is that they clearly (for which ever reason above or any other) have a willingness and/or incentive to live with a suspended logic that will uphold their status quo.
The toll of living with big contradictions
The intended outcome of trying to sweep contradictions under the rug for me was to keep the peace. I was invested in things staying the same.
The unintended byproduct of this was training myself to tolerate nonsense.
In a sense I was lying to myself that everything was fine. Think, dog-with-hat-sitting-on-chair-in-room-set-ablaze meme.
The imperfect excuses I made for the circumstances were ill-fitting puzzle pieces jammed into a spot they definitely did not belong. If I wanted to keep those pieces there I’d never be made whole. I guess I’m the puzzle in this scenario. I think that still works.
The interesting part to look back on is that I never perceived it as ‘well I’m knowingly overlooking a lot of things because otherwise I would leave them’. Instead, the recognition was of a lingering unease, a gradual despair overtime, and poor health that I couldn’t attribute to any other factors (and that immediately went away when I left the situation).
And trust me, I tried everything I could to keep my excuses intact- until one day I just couldn’t overlook it. I’ve referred to it in the past as feeling like I was struck by a bolt of lightning. For me it was instantaneous and irreversible, though I had in the previous two years been doing a lot of quiet work to listen to myself and my instincts. Others may come to this awakening in a different way.
The aftermath of opting out
When you let go of the contradictions and allow the chips to fall where they may, there’s a big sense of relief and a feeling of ‘this all makes sense now’. It’s freeing, it’s empowering, and frankly it lulls you into a false sense that you understand life perfectly now and can solve everyone else’s problem. Honestly, there are so few times that I’ve felt this drunk with power.
I’ve begun to think that this is where some (not all) well-intentioned, but ineffective divorce coaches are born. They made it through their own experience, so it stands to reason that they can walk you through yours. Again, my bias here, I strongly believe in therapy and the near decade of study/clinical training great professionals do be able to practice ethically.
And this is one of the reasons I’m so thankful I waited until my family court situation ended before even beginning to hit publish on anything I wrote. It gave me 3-4 years to let that know-it-all feeling settle and have a better, more nuanced, sympathetic overview of what other people’s experiences might look like compared to my own.
Ultimately, I opted to share in way that discusses topics but never prescribes any particular way of doing it. Take what is useful, even if it’s just the knowledge that you’re not alone.
Most importantly, this time has allowed me to understand that sometimes someone isn’t ready to look at the big stuff yet.
Meeting people who choose differently
I can almost immediately sense when someone is able to look at the hard questions of their life and those who will do anything to avoid it. It’s a sensitivity you get when you’ve been through it yourself.
I will say though, upon meeting someone whose partner I’m not a fan of, I tread very lightly in this territory. Because, knowing that this person I like feels so comfortable in the contradiction tells me they might not be a totally reliable friend. Not out of malice but rather behaviours like male-centering or not calling out things when they’re unjust. If I observe their willingness to betray themselves for a relationship, I don’t expect that they would have my back if push came to shove, is all I’m saying. Again, speaking from experience of being a master at self-betrayal.
The answers you’re looking for
I offer this as a potential place to look if you do find yourself having asked the title question. Ultimately I believe, as with most things, the more you connect with yourself and ask uncomfortable questions the closer you’ll get to the answers you’re looking for.
I don’t know who is going to read this, whether you come from a google search or you’ve seen my divorce blog before, but this is a topic that I’ve wanted to discuss for a long time and I’ve never quite knew who to write it to or how to focus it.
I suppose this is for a number of people: the person who is feeling unease and can’t pinpoint why, the person who just decided to embark on a divorce, the person who is past divorce and now sees relationships with a new lens. I’ve been all these people. I have also been consumed with the idea of contradiction and in the place I’m at now I feel lovingly protective of anyone who has had to deploy this strategy to manage their way through life, me included.
I hope whatever stage you’re at that you share, or at least consider, that same sentiment.