Small Dating Red Flags that May Be Bigger Than You Think
Most people expect red flags to be loud. They’re looking for big, overt signs accompanied by dramatic behavior, obvious compatibilities, explosive fights, or clear disrespect. Yes, immediately go when you see these, but be aware the absence of these doesn’t always mean you’re in the clear.
Just because it’s not AS BAD as the worst signs, doesn’t mean it’s good
Looking back at my own relationship, my ex and I had a very smooth relationship in the early years (probably because I tended to placate people, that’s another thing altogether) but there were still signs that I’d eventually come to believe revealed overarching systemic problems.
These things are so subtle you might be likely to minimize or excuse the thing by questioning yourself and saying, “Maybe I’m overreacting.”
I’ve experienced small red flags, I’ve seen my friends ignore some of these same ones so I thought it’d be a good idea to put them out there and see if they resonate with anyone else.
Again, there could be a valid reason for some of these, but if you run into any of these things just be sure to have your antennae up for other inconsistencies.
My Top Dating Red Flags that Don’t Seem Like Red Flags
Here are my quickfire observations of the tiny behaviors that seem harmless but often reveal the deeper dynamics you’ll eventually have to deal with:
Walking Ahead of You
Is someone walking a few steps ahead of you the end of the world? No.
But is it a clue? Often, yes.
At the very least, you’re not moving through life at the same pace (pun absolutely intended). But often it can reveal someone who doesn’t naturally attune to you, slow down for you, or consider you within their rhythm.
People who care generally match your pace without thinking.
I was once walking with my ex so far ahead of me that another man came up and hit on me thinking I was totally alone. True story.
They’re Comfortable Watching You Sacrifice Constantly or Do Something Against Your Own Best Interests When it Benefits Them
I come a Filipino American background, and I would definitely say the culture my parents raised me with was built on sacrificing for the ones you love. This is a beautiful way to relate to people, particularly if everyone shares that same generosity, but becomes very easily taken advantage of if you pair with the wrong person.
A partner who allows you to make choices that hurt your wellbeing financially, emotionally, physically, etc. is already sending you a signal to pay attention to. They’re likely showing you that your safety, growth or comfort aren’t something they feel responsible to protect.
What are some early examples of this?
- Having you to split on costly meals even though they make 10x more than you do
- Accepting the last of your favorite treat without resistance
- Suggesting an evening date location that is an hour’s drive from you but close for them
‘But what if it’s your choice to do these things?’
Someone who cares about your wellbeing is going to guard against you self-sacrificing and be concerned about you putting yourself in a vulnerable position.
I’m not trying to be with someone who’s okay with their front-row seat to your self-sabotage. Just saying.
They Have No Close Friendships
You don’t need a huge social circle to be emotionally healthy. But someone with no close friendships or no meaningful connections beyond you might lack the skills, stability, or emotional maturity to maintain long-term bond.
And if they can’t sustain friendships, they’ll likely struggle with romantic relationships too.
Worse, they might put all of their focus on you and you’ll find yourself smothered. Again, not a hard and fast rule, but understanding whether their reasons for not having close friends makes sense is probably a good idea.
You Don’t Like Their Friends
On the other end of the spectrum, maybe they have an extended network of friends, but you don’t like any of them. Yikes.
Your partner’s friends don’t need to be the people you’re closes to but they are a window into their values. Who they spend time with says a lot. Who they enjoy says even more.
If you’re uncomfortable around their circle, it’s worth asking yourself why. Your discomfort is rarely random.
Their Romantic Gestures are Generic and Could Be for Anyone
The rose bouquet, the dinner booking, and the “good morning, beautiful” text are all kinda basic. Okay, I’ll admit they’re nice, but they should be greatly supplemented at least with other gestures that are specific to you.
Specificity means they see you and understand you. Things like noticing your favourite pastry, sending that meme because it reminded them of the story you told, planning something that would only make sense for you.
Someone who leans only on generic romantic gestures isn’t seeing you. They’re performing a role.
They Recently Broke Up (As in… Less Than 3 Months Ago)
Not always a dealbreaker, but usually a red flag if that breakup was a very long relationship. People need processing time and that requires space to decompress. Someone who is seeking another person that quickly may not be comfortable being alone or not even have the emotional maturity to understand it takes time for the story of a breakup and their part in it to reveal itself.
If they’ve barely had time to cancel the couple gym membership, they’re probably not ready to be present with someone new.
Fast Familiar Nicknames
Anyone who jumps into calling you “baby,” “honey,” or “sweetheart” right away could be doing it out of habit, or to build false closeness right away.
It’s an easy disguise for emotional inconsistency. And yes, sadly, sometimes it’s a habit to avoid mixing names.
Destiny’s Child didn’t sing “Say my name” for nothing.
Loose or Completely Missing Boundaries
You might take it as someone being really into you, I might ask you to see it as someone moving too fast. Pushing for closeness and always wanting to spend time together super early on is a red flag for me. Think of it like this, someone who has a lot going on in their life absolutely does want to make time for you, but if they drop everything else and are suddenly hyper focused on you, that’s a lot of pressure.
People with good boundaries and who are steady, tend to be able to conserve their energy and not need to immediately to be attached at the hip. A lasting relationship doesn’t require urgency.
Conclusion
Again, to be clear I’m not saying to write anyone off immediately at the first sight of any of these red (maybe pink) flags. What I do hope you do is question whether you’re interpreting the other person’s actions accurately. It’s a moment to pause, that’s all.
A little healthy skepticism and putting on the breaks will not ruin something that’s real, but it may help you from going full steam ahead with someone who isn’t right for you.
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