Signs You’re in a One-Sided Relationship or Friendship and What to Do Next
There’s a magic that happens when you meet someone you genuinely get along with. It seems easy, like you’ve known each other forever. Maybe you bond over your favorite musician, or perhaps you share a love of café hopping on the weekends. Understandably, first impressions like this can feel like the start of something special.
Then comes the slowdown. After the first few days or weeks of excitement and constant messaging the contact starts to dissipate. Maybe you have to cancel a planned get-together. A few weeks go by, and you try to see how they are, but messaging is intermittent.
I’ve had this kind of dynamic occur both with romantic and platonic friendships. I’ve learned not to take it personally but rather to view it as a natural falling away of something that wasn’t sustainable.
But there was a time when I would try with all my might (and I’m a stubborn one) to force a friendship or romantic relationship. The wild thing is that I didn’t even realize that I was doing it. I’m naturally inclined to reach out and connect with people and I thought of it as doing my part. If a friendship or relationship meant a lot to me I was willing to make the extra effort and I didn’t feel bad in the slightest.
I now look at this approach to friendship and relationships very differently and with caution.
Are You Doing All the Work?
It’s a pretty simple question but the answer to it basically tells you all you need to know. If you’re always the one reaching out or planning outings then it could be that this friendship isn’t the mutual connection you were hoping for.
Yes it’s true that we all have our own way of doing things and maybe you’re a better planner. At least, that was always the excuse that I used to give.
What eventually started to sink in though, was that when the person wasn’t showing up in the same way that I was, it felt sort of like being forgotten.
Why the Reasons Don’t (Usually) Matter
I’m a fairly understanding person and I used to make all kinds of excuses about why someone wasn’t showing up. Their life’s super busy with school or with work or with a family so they don’t have as much time on their hands. It doesn’t take a lot to quickly dispel any of those excuses because I have dealt with all those things (and on occasion all at once) and I was still able to show up in my friendships and relationships.
True exceptions are when catastrophic events or losses occur, and someone is thrown off their own rhythm. There are moments when we might have to isolate ourselves from the rest. I understand that. And if you already have a solid foundation with someone you can see this is an aberration from the norm.
However, I mainly say the reasons for their actions don’t matter because whatever is causing them to show up in an insufficient way (for you) the end result is that their actions are incompatible with yours.
Incompatibility is Enough to Leave Things Alone
You can’t force someone to be in a friendship or relationship with you. You can prolong the thing; trust me I know this from first-hand experience. But there comes a time when persistence turns into forcing it.
To Be Clear Letting Go Isn’t the Same as Cancelling Someone
When I say letting go, I mean no longer feeling the need to be the one to reach out. For me it doesn’t mean blocking someone’s number or having hard feelings toward someone. There are varying degrees of friendship and it’s possible you two might be more compatible as ‘let’s catch up for coffee twice year’ friends.
How to Know When You’re Forcing It
It’s not always obvious at first. You tell yourself people are busy, distracted, or going through something, and sometimes that’s true. But when a pattern starts to form, it’s worth paying attention.
I recognized I was forcing certain relationships when:
· I was the one always trying to progress or clarify where things stood with a romantic interest.
· I noticed friends who only reached out when they were newly single or needed support but disappeared when things were going well.
· I kept suggesting plans or check-ins and was met with vague enthusiasm but also no follow-through.
· I tried to sustain connections with people who didn’t seem to share my definition of friendship or consistency.
I wouldn’t recommend keeping score on these things, you’ll know if they feel imbalanced. If they’re starting to feel that way, maybe fall back a little and see what comes of the connection.
Reframing the Feeling of Rejection
The hard part of letting go of a connection is feeling a sense of rejection. Everyone has a different capacity for closeness. Some people thrive on constant contact; others prefer distance. When you can see it as a matter of style rather than rejection, it becomes easier to adjust your expectations, and your investment. Don’t assume that their lack of interest is cruelty on their part or a lack of worth on yours. It could very well be a mismatch of capacity, priorities or timing.
Seeking Mutuality
If you’re in a friendship or a romantic relationship knowing that the other person wants to be there and is capable of being there in the same way as you are super important. Otherwise, it feels like you’re doing all the heavy lifting.
Making Room for What Feeds You
Not every relationship has to be an all-consuming best friend or deep romantic bond. There’s value in lighter connections, friendly acquaintances, and people who add warmth in small doses. This is the case for not cancelling someone outright.
But maybe you do decide instead to focus your attention on the people and experiences that replenish you. Send the message to the friend who reciprocates. Reach out to the person who checks in without prompting. Build from the connections that flow naturally, not the ones that constantly need rescuing.
Conclusion
Letting go of one-sided relationships can lift a weight off your shoulders and help you make space for relationships that are based in mutuality. And what a relief it is to realise you no longer have to convince anyone to call, care or show up. You simply notice who already does and move forward with them.
Related Reads:
Trusting Yourself and Others After a Breakup or Divorce
