Should You Stay Friends With an Ex? The Pros and Cons
One of the hardest questions to answer after a breakup is whether or not you should stay friends with your ex. When you’ve shared years, memories, or even just a deep emotional bond with someone, it can feel strange—sometimes even painful—to consider cutting them out of your life completely. But is friendship with an ex a good idea? And more importantly, is it truly possible?
The answer isn’t as simple as yes or no. Like most things in life and love, it depends.
Looking back at my own breakups, I know for sure that there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Every relationship ends differently, and what feels right in one situation might feel completely wrong in another. That said, there are a few important lessons I’ve learned when it comes to navigating the tricky waters of post-breakup friendship. If you’re weighing the pros and cons, here are a few thoughts worth considering.
Sometimes “Friendship” Is Just Code for “I’m Hoping We’ll Get Back Together”
It’s natural to want to maintain some kind of connection with someone you still have feelings for. But let’s be honest, if your motivation for staying friends is secretly rooted in the hope that you’ll reunite, that’s not really a friendship. That’s a waiting game.
In my experience, this dynamic leads to blurred lines, unnecessary heartache, and a lot of emotional confusion. You end up feeling territorial, even though you’re technically not together. It’s an emotional limbo, and no one truly thrives there.
A Clean Break Is Often the Kindest Thing You Can Do
That doesn’t mean you need to block them forever or pretend they never existed. But if you’re serious about healing and moving on, you do need to break the habit of constant communication. Even if you ended on good terms, continuing to text or talk every day prevents you from building the emotional independence you need.
Give yourself time (at least a month) to detach. Yes, it’ll be tempting to send them that meme that reminds you of your inside joke. But pause before you hit send. Mute them on social media if you need to. Let yourself focus on your own growth for a while without their presence in the background.
There Are Different Kinds of Friendships
It took me a while to realize that being “friends” doesn’t have to mean being best friends or daily confidants. I have exes I occasionally update every year or two. I have others that I wish well from afar but have no contact with.
People enter and exit our lives for all kinds of reasons. It’s okay to leave a relationship in the past and still hold a sense of gratitude for what it was. You don’t owe anyone a lifelong friendship just because you once loved them.
Beware the On-Again-Off-Again Dynamic
We all have that one ex who pops back in every few months, full of “what ifs” and mixed signals. If this sounds familiar, ask yourself whether anything has truly changed since the last time you tried.
If not, be cautious. These types of relationships often mask unresolved feelings, and trying to turn them into friendships usually ends up reopening old wounds. And if someone continues to pursue you despite clear boundaries, it’s worth questioning whether they’re capable of being just a friend at all.
Friendships with Boundaries Can Work
Not every ex needs to be shut out completely. I have one ex who was kind to me and my children, and even though we’re not close anymore, I still make space for a few friendly messages now and then. We’re not in regular contact, but there’s mutual respect and kindness and that’s enough.
This kind of connection only works because of clear boundaries. I don’t rely on them emotionally, and I don’t confuse the relationship with anything more than what it is now.
Ask Yourself: Would You Be Friends If You’d Never Dated?
This is the most useful question I’ve learned to ask. If the romantic history were erased, would you still want this person in your life? Do they add to richness to your life, or are they just a lingering presence from a chapter that’s already closed?
If you can honestly say you’d enjoy their company and trust them as a friend, that’s a good sign. But if your gut says you're holding on because it's familiar (or because you're afraid to fully let go) it might be time to release that tie.
Final Thoughts
In my estimation being friends with an ex can work, but only under the right conditions: time, boundaries, and honest intentions. Give yourself the space to heal first. Choose what kind of friendship (if any) works for your emotional health. And don’t be afraid to say goodbye to someone who’s no longer good for the life you’re building now.
After all, endings are also beginnings. And sometimes letting go of one relationship opens the door to a healthier version of yourself.
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