How to Be a Good Friend During a Breakup or Divorce
I know you’re in the middle of a breakup or divorce, but I’m going to shake you out of it a little here. You know those friends of yours who have been listening to you and messaging you to make sure that you’re doing well? They also have lives going on and concerns they’re dealing with even during this time that you’re going through turmoil.
If you’re lucky, you have friends who are generous in your time of need. You might feel like you can’t do much other than survive at the moment, but I promise there are lots of reasons to muster up a little bit of energy for them as well.
Showing up for others when you’re going through your own challenges is an important part of friendship.
Why it can be helpful to focus on being a good friend
In my own experience, the divorce and breakup process can feel so consuming. The good part about remembering to ask your friends how they are is that it can take you out of your own stuff, even if just for a few moments. Not only that, think about how much time they’ve given to you. It’s certainly not a nice feeling to feel like you’re keeping score, but you get a sense when you’re together and the only thing you talk about is your stuff. That’s a one-way ticket to a lopsided friendship. And beyond a few weeks, it can become tiresome if these issues are still the only thing you talk about.
Ultimately, making an effort to enquire about your friend’s life is not only for them and to show them that you appreciate them, but also for you to ensure your friendship remains something that is worth cultivating.
How to show up as a good friend even when you’re going through it
So how do you actually show up for your friend when times are tough? It might not feel second nature to you to pick yourself up out of despair, but it’s worth a try. And I don’t mean to pretend that everything is great for you, I mean taking a deep breath and setting your ongoing difficulty to the side to create room for someone you care about. Here are some first steps to think about:
Don’t make every conversation about your breakup
It might be tempting to talk about the things on your mind if there’s an ear around, but unless something has materially changed since the last time you spoke, it might be worthwhile to keep things light on the divorce or breakup front. Especially if this is a divorce, you’ll be playing a long game – you’ll want to pace yourself with the talks.
Ask your friends how they’re doing
Even if their thing is ‘small’ in comparison (a new haircut, a win at work, a hobby they love) I’d make sure to ask questions and be genuinely interested in this part of their life. My policy is that if it’s important to them, it’s important to me. Mirror that interest and excitement for them. Again, it not only shows you care but also takes you out of your stuff for a brief moment.
Let them celebrate good things with you
People might feel a little awkward sharing good news and celebrating when they know that you’re going through something hard. Be sure to let your friends know that you’re really happy for them and want to be included – provided that this is true.
Keep talking about ordinary life
The big, small, and everything in between should be a part of your communication with your friends. This is how you stay connected with people in general. It would be really tough to keep to yourself and hibernate for the duration of your divorce or breakup and then suddenly emerge thinking you can just pick up where you left off. It’s much kinder to yourself and others to stay involved in regular life.
Spread your emotional support across multiple people
If you have ever had a friend who talked non-stop and regurgitated the SAME exact thing about their breakup every time you were around, you might take this advice to heart. I had a policy of sharing a new story only one time with each person in my circle. If I needed to tell it more than once I would make sure it was to someone different for whom the story would be new. That way you’re keeping them current on the latest rather than dumping everything on them all the time.
Respect their boundaries
There are emergencies where a friend might drop what they’re doing to come to your aid, but be wary of taking them away from their own life and needs. Allow people to show up for you but also let them know that you are looking out for their wellbeing as well.
Being a good friend is good for you, too
Your friends are often the ones who help you through some of the hardest parts of life. This connection is important to care for and tend to even, and especially, when you’re feeling low. Friends can remind you that there is more to life than what is going on right now. They sit with you when times are tough, they bring you treats when you don’t feel like going outside. If you’ve been the beneficiary of any of these things you know what friendship looks like. Make sure that you’re pouring into this same well so that everyone gets cared for.