Letting Go of the Guilt Around Rest, Ease, and Getting Through

Every now and then, I catch myself replaying past decisions and wondering if I went too far.

Did I spend too much money?
Did I take too much rest?
Did I make things easier for myself when I should have pushed through?

Part of the reason that these feelings come up is because I’m in a much better state than I was during my divorce. I often must remind myself that the person making the decisions in the past is not the same person I am now.

I’ve written before about how travel and having a small retreat once a quarter (whether that be a long weekend or a weeklong holiday) helped provide solace during times when I was under unimaginable stress. Not only was I in the middle of a four-year long divorce but I was also reeling from over a decade of a relationship that was isolating and characterized by a large age gap that naturally lead to imbalances in control.

If I hadn’t made the choices I did back then, I might never have gotten to where I am now.

Reframing past decisions

I’ve had to remember that the decisions I was making at the time were not purely indulgent or careless (I can almost hear the echoes of that inner critic that used to reside in my brain). I consider them now to be investments in myself.

These were the choices of someone who was exhausted, overwhelmed, and doing her best to stay upright. Judging the decisions with today’s clarity feels unfair. That version of me didn’t have the luxury of hindsight, she was trying to survive in real time.

Learning that rest doesn’t need to be earned

One thing I’ve had to work through is letting go of the idea that rest has to be earned. That nice things, ease, or softness should only come after you’ve suffered enough to justify them.

I don’t believe that anymore.

I wish we all had equal access to rest and resources, honestly, because everyone should have the ability to take time out like I did. And I would never resent someone for using what they have to make their life more manageable.

Yet somehow, when it comes to myself, I’ve been slower to extend that same generosity. I’ve treated rest like a reward instead of a requirement.

Remaining Vigilant Against My Old Ideas

There’s still a part of me that feels slightly guilty for spending on a solo holiday. But I also know this: I can’t take care of my kids, do meaningful work, and stay mentally well if I’m constantly running on empty.

I’ve lived that version of life. I was sick constantly and the stress showed up in my body before I had the language to name it. I don’t want to go back there.

So, I’ve had to find ways to make peace with the things that help me stay well.