Caring For Yourself as a Working Single Mother

I’m still in the midst of the organized chaos that is juggling working life with parenting children. My youngest is 10, and so I have more say over my time and attention (I can only just barely remember the days when I had a demanding toddler) but I still know that children of any age require care and quality time in different ways. That’s to say, my balancing act of being both breadwinner and primary caretaker has been one that I’ve been working out for some time.

Two major roles: Parent and Professional

When I was going through my divorce I could only imagine being the head of household. I didn’t know exactly what that would look like, but now that I’m here I think I’m pretty good at it. However, that doesn’t mean it’s not a challenge in more ways than one. At the office, I’m a professional who is part of a team of people who depend on me for quality work and creative insights. At home, I have the immense responsibility of being the role model and life teacher of two children that are coming into their own in this world. These are no small responsibilities, and either of them individually would make for a very fulfilling and taxing life. So, how does one attempt to carry out both roles with any success? Something’s got to give, right?

The role that makes it all possible: Caretaker of Myself

I wouldn’t even come close to being functional as a parent or professional if I wasn’t thoughtful about how I protect my time and energy. And this is not at all driven by an impossibly rigorous schedule, in fact, I would say this role is characterized by how well I allow myself leisure, enrichment, and rest.

Learning to listen to what you need

There is no lack of great ideas on the internet and social media about how to schedule your days to optimise your time and get the impossible done. Unfortunately, my brain registers stress when I try to be too rigid with my time. One of my most incredibly insightful friends pointed out to me that my natural aversion to scheduling exact times of day for things like mindfulness or recovery might not be random. She pointed out that since I’ve made it a point to listen to my body more and work with the energy I’ve got on a certain day, it makes more sense to do what I need when I need it. That a long checklist of mindfulness activities might actually be draining in practice.

Because there are already parts of my day that are at the mercy of other people’s schedules (meetings or school pickups) I try to avoid being rigid with the rest of my schedule. That way I can approach it in a leisurely fashion.

Being clear about what your purpose is for this moment

I’m building a career, being a present parent for my children, and nurturing the parts of myself that I neglected for years. Because those are my clear objectives for this year and the foreseeable future I may not have time to pursue other things. I’m not saying everyone needs to do this, but for me, seeking a romantic relationship is not a priority. I have personal reasons that make sense to me. And while it may not always be the case, it is for right now and I’m okay with that. In fact, it is a relief to be able to focus on the things that do greatly matter to me. This is not the only thing I’ve decided to put aside for the moment. If you’re someone who has lots of interests and passions this can be a hard idea to grapple with, but ultimately it’s better not to spread yourself so thin.

Finding ways to make the things you love support your purpose

It’s true that my work and my parenting responsibilities take up most of my time. However, I find time to read, journal, and write here on my personal blog. I love doing these things, they provide an outlet for me to express myself, but they also help me work on my specific craft of producing original writing. I personally find that the more I explore these creative pursuits, the more creative I become! It helps my brain think outside of the confines of work. In that way I get the double benefit of professional saw sharpening and leisure together in this cluster of activities.

Finding what balance means to you

For me, balance requires I counter the responsibilities with rest. There are seasons, weeks, days that may be highly imbalanced, but I follow those up with periods of time that help counter those moments.

In fact, while I might have goals that I assign to certain the first three quarters of the year, the last quarter I leave free. I enjoy and flourish when I have a clear sense of rest and repose. You might be different and require to do something each day of the year to keep your momentum. If you know that about yourself, great!

These ways of thinking aren’t going to solve every problem you have, but I have found them to be a good foundation for creating a life that is manageable and allows me to be present with all of the responsibilities that I carry.