Dating Someone Older? Here’s What You Need to Know
The other day I wrote a blog post for people who might be dating someone younger, and I thought I’d balance it out by giving my perspective on the other point of view. My very transparent take on this type of relationship is that I’m personally not prepared, as the older person in these scenarios, to shoulder the responsibility that’s required of such a dynamic. For this reason, I haven’t personally dated someone more than 7 years younger than me, and that felt big even at 42. My ideal probably sits at 4 years or fewer age difference.
But I know firsthand some of the main things to look out for when you’re dating someone older because I was in a very large age gap relationship at 19, and even married them. It didn’t last, hence the divorce blog, but that wasn’t necessarily BECAUSE of the age gap. What the age gap did contribute though was that I didn’t have enough experience to understand the nature of the near 40-year-old I was in a relationship with, nor did I have a clear understanding of what a true partnership should be and what I deserved.
If you are the younger person in the relationship, I can’t necessarily tell you about who you’re with, but I do have some knowledge to impart. These are the things that I only learned many years later.
There’s a lot you have yet to learn about life
That’s not a bad thing, it’s just a gap in knowledge that you’ll eventually be able to fill. But it does make you vulnerable to people who can take advantage of you. I believed a lot of stories that I can look back now at and see how misrepresented they were. But a person of my age now would so clearly see through the guise.
You live and you learn, but knowing that you’re in a vulnerable spot is worth a lot already. I wish I had surrounded myself with more women who’s opinions I valued. I see a lot of women over 40 doing some great things on social media teaching what they know and I like to think the girls and young women will be so much more informed in life.
Being agreeable is a liability for you
Be a kind person, but don’t try to keep the peace when you feel something isn’t right. I was a decade into my relationship before I learned what my partner was like when I did something they didn’t like. I had never asserted myself in any big decisions, if I had I might have learned much more quickly that my relationship was dependent on me acquiescing to what they wanted. If I could go back, I’d encourage myself to fully be myself and show up in a way that was true to me. If the other person has a problem with it, pay close attention to how they react. What are they like when they don’t get their way? You shouldn’t be afraid of these outcomes. I really used to think it was my job to keep things together – how unfair and exhausting.
You need to always have your own money
Being a stay-at-home wife or even a stay-at-home girlfriend (which still sounds like such a strange concept to me) puts you in such a vulnerable position. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to have the ability to leave whenever you need to. You should stay with someone because it is a loving relationship, not because you’re trapped.
Even if you do stay home, does the person you’re with arrange for you to be financially secure even and especially if something happens to them? Do you have access to your own funds to make decisions for yourself?
How they feel about these subjects can matter
For example, if they tell you age is just a number, or that their favourite thing about you is that you’re so nice, or even that they don’t want to worry you with the details of money….beware. It doesn’t mean for certain that this is problem, but it’s a good place to start getting curious about how they view the world and what your relationship dynamic is like. Do they treat you like a child or do they genuinely treat you like one of their peers, a business partner even.