Dating someone younger? Here’s what you need to know

I wrote about my feelings on age gap relationships in a different blog post. I came from one that didn’t work, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t think they would never work. As someone who is now the age that my ex was when we met, I think I have a pretty good perspective of both parties when it comes to this type of relationship.

If there’s a large age gap of 10+ years there are just so many opportunities for inequity built into this type of relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I often consider two people in their 20s to be like the blind leading the blind, but at least they’re figuring it out together at the same developmental stage.

But you put a 40-year-old together with a 20-something person and you’ve got an individual who SHOULD know a lot more about life, and one who is just becoming an adult and doesn’t know any better.

These are the things I think the older person usually contends with when dating someone younger. And many of them are the exact reasons I would have pause about choosing this type of relationship.

People think you look like their parent or even grandparent

This actually isn’t the one that would stop me. Honestly, who cares what other people think, if you’re certain about your happy, healthy relationship. But everyone is thinking it. You might look young for your age, but people of different generations dress, talk, and move through the world differently. Your knowledge and preference for certain movies, music, pop culture references, brands and more will always give you away and alienate you from their culture. It’s okay, again you have to be yourself.

They’ll never be a peer of yours

This is the part where I start getting into uncomfortable territory, partly because I am looking for a partner who fully understands me, but also because I don’t want to have to be the person who has more life experience and therefore is responsible for looking out for them. For me, there are enough misunderstandings that are built into male-female relationships (if you’re in a hetero relationship) that I can’t fathom also introducing a disparity in understanding generation-wise. I have heard a lot of feedback on my other posts about women dating younger men (love that for them) but I assume that they are either comfortable with being the responsible one and/or it’s more of a casual relationship.

They might still have at least one big life change to go

Think about who you are now and then think about who you were 10-15 years ago. If you were like me you’ve gone through at least one, if not several, gigantic life changes that materially changed how you view life. I do remember thinking at 22, when I got married, that I was fully grown and it was a reasonable thing to do. I would like to go back to that past self and shake her to her senses. Or at least give her a hug of understanding. Past me had no idea. Your love interest, if they’re quite a lot younger than you and under the age of 30 might not have the same foresight to know this is a very predictable part of the human experience. Being with them means that you’ll also be thrown into this looming uncertainty.

They’re not fully informed

I like to say that at 22 that I ‘didn’t know what I didn’t know’. But you, at your age, probably do know lots of things that have not yet been on their radar, and that creates responsibility. Even if you’re doing everything right, it at least creates the responsibility to allow them to learn their life lessons and not hold this lack of built-up knowledge against them. If you’re constantly making them feel bad that they aren’t as up to speed about life, that they aren’t doing something right, that you know better you might want to start questioning if you’re prepared for it to always be this way.

The one interesting caveat of the ‘they’ll eventually grow up and learn it all’ thought is that if you’re around, potentially they won’t. I look back and see how much my growth was stunted because I was with someone I felt was older and more capable. I let him handle the grown-up things in our household and he was okay with that. I see that as a huge mistake on my part and question why he would be comfortable with that arrangement.

Your role as the older partner

I think an older partner in an age gap relationship has the same role as anyone who is in a relationship, and that’s to allow the person they love to be themselves fully and appreciate them for it. You can no more mold an impressionable younger mate into an ideal partner  than you can mold your child into the version you want them to be. They are who they are.

Ultimately, be prepared to allow your younger love interest the time and grace to make mistakes so they do find their footing without becoming reliant on you. Don’t judge them for figuring things out on their timeline. If it really bothers you, if you ever find yourself having difficulty encouraging this part of them, it might not be the right relationship dynamic. I trust that if you’ve been thoughtful enough to take the time to read a blog post like this, you’re probably a considerate person to begin with. Checking in with yourself, being realistic about what is likely around the corner, and looking after their wellbeing is what I hope you’ll keep at the forefront.