After a Breakup: Things That Might Feel Worse Before They Get Better

Written By Laura Santiago

I’ve been through my share of breakups, and one thing I’ve learned is this: there’s no silver bullet for healing. No blog post — including this one — can fast-track your recovery. But what writing can do is remind you that you’re not alone. And sometimes, removing the shame of taking longer to heal than you think you “should” is the most generous thing you can do for yourself.

The intensity of heartbreak doesn’t always correlate with the length or depth of the relationship. I’ve had fleeting experiences — barely even relationships — that brought me to my knees emotionally. In hindsight, it wasn’t about the person. It was about what that connection represented: hope, worth, timing, validation. When a short-lived connection hurts deeply, I’ve often found it’s shining a light on a deeper part of myself asking to be seen.

With that in mind, here are some of the ways heartbreak can feel worse before it feels better — and what’s helped me weather those moments.

 

The Silence Feels Deafening

When you’re used to daily check-ins like the good mornings, the goodnights, the shared memes, their absence creates an eerie void. That routine comfort is suddenly... gone.

What helped me during these moments:

·       Not dwelling too much on it when that recognition of silence arose

·       Creating new habits for myself and maybe learning on other friends and spreading out messages so that you are in the rhythm of connection again but not depending on your ex

·       If the silence is really getting to you and you find your inner voice is having a little too much chance to get in your head about it, guided meditations, podcasts, something to focus on is a nice temporary replacement.

 

Loneliness Hits at Strange Times

I’ve always been comfortable doing things solo — dinners, movies, even concerts. But post-breakup solitude feels different. It’s not the act of being alone, it’s knowing the one person you would have shared the moment with is no longer part of your story.

What helped me during these moments:

·       Thinking about all of the things that I enjoy about having my time to myself and not having to consider another person

·       This is a silly one, but if you ever feel like you wish you were in a couple during this loneliness phase, please watch ‘Couples Therapy’ that TV show. You will be reminded of what bad relationships and communication look like and be super thankful you are no longer a part of a couple.

 

Regret Creeps In

Breakups invite doubt. If you left, you wonder if it was the right decision. If you were left, you wonder what you could’ve done differently.

What helped me during these moments:

·       I try to remember that there was a reason I made the decision to end it. It’s funny how we forget the intensity of discomfort we might have had being with them when the new discomfort of the loss of a relationship arises. But if you get to the point of wanting to breakup it’s probably for good reason.

  • I also remember that missing someone’s presence doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea to be around them.

 

When People Have Unhelpful Opinions

It seems like everyone has an idea about how to get over a breakup but very few people are sufficiently thoughtful about what might genuinely be helpful to you. Maybe they recommend improving yourself, getting yourself out there, that you shouldn’t be so down about losing someone they considered a loser anyway- yikes.

What helped me during these moments:

·       I learned pretty quickly who I felt safe being around in these vulnerable moments and prioritizing time with them and less with others who didn’t understand me or the situation.

·       I remembered to not take it personally; people usually talk about topics in relation to themselves and their own experiences rather than leaving room for considering that everyone experiences things differently.

 

Your Self-Esteem Might Plummet

This has happened to me when dating or seeing my ex move on with other people, I suddenly become hyper aware of my own insecurities and start comparing myself to others in the dating pool. I think I’m usually on solid ground when it comes to who I am and so this byproduct of a breakup is unnerving.

What helped me during these moments:

·       Staying away from social media or dating shows. I remember specifically one year I just couldn’t get myself to watch ‘Love Island’ even though I love these types of shows.

·       Remembering that you’re not really ‘competing’ with others. The person who is the right fit for you will see all the things that are great about you and knows that you are irreplaceable and not interchangeable with any other person. At least this is my take when I think of true compatibility- which is what I want.

·       Focusing on the activities that I love – reading and writing, basically anything creative.

 

Feeling like you might be falling behind

If you thought that this relationship was going to usher in the next part of the life you were planning, the loss of it can be a big blow to the system. You might be wondering what’s next, how will you move past this? How far has this set back your plans to start a family?

What helped me during these moments:

·        Letting go of imaginary timelines. We can’t ever really know the trajectory of our life or even what divine timing there might be to the things that are for you. I figure, focus on being yourself to the fullest and the right things will find you.

 

Final Note: Embracing the messy parts of healing

This might not be exciting to hear, but feeling worse after a breakup is often a part of the transformation. It doesn’t mean that you have made a wrong choice or that you were meant to be with someone. Allow yourself the time and space to process the loss of a connection without judging yourself.

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Looking for more support, insight, or encouragement? These posts dig deeper into healing, growth, and dating again:

Laura Santiago
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