How I Knew I Was Healing After a Breakup

Written By Laura Santiago

The end of a relationship can feel so abrupt. It might come out of the blue or maybe it’s an ongoing pattern of repeated disagreements. But usually the actual finale can be pinpointed to a conversation, an interaction that distinguishes a kind of before and after to your life. It marks a new era that will change everything whether you want it to or not.

And while the beginning of the breakup is so distinct, so disruptive, the end of healing from this period can be so unassuming. You may not even notice it when it happens, except one day you realise you went the entire day or maybe the entire week without even thinking about your ex or the breakup. You’ve finally gotten on with life.


Woman with her back to us sitting at an outlook on a hill over a lake.

If you’re still in the thick of emotions after a breakup

There’s a good chance that if you’re reading this you are still feeling the lingering effects of your breakup. Particularly if you’ve never been through a breakup before the wound can feel especially deep. It’s okay, don’t worry about rushing through it, just make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

One of the reasons I wanted to write on this topic was that I thought it would be a good way to remind you that even if you’re still reeling from what happened, there are little signs that can help show you that you are growing. Healing doesn’t have a specific end date. You can’t decide 3 weeks from now that you’ll be totally okay and everything will be forgotten. Emotions don’t work on a clock.


My own experience of healing after the end of relationship

One of the strangest things about healing from a breakup is that it often happens without any big moment to mark it.

That’s what happened to me. The beginning of the breakup was loud and disruptive. It filled my days, my thoughts, and my conversations. But slowly, and without ceremony, that phase softened. I couldn’t point to an exact day or time when I felt “over it.” But at some point, I looked back and hardly recognized the version of myself that was so consumed by it all.

And while I haven’t included a timeline—because, truthfully, I don’t remember how long each phase lasted—I’ve mapped out the signs that let me know healing was happening. Even when it didn’t feel like it at the time.


The first signs that you’re healing

The earliest signs for me were made up of small things I noticed about my behaviour. Kind of like when you’re healing from a physical injury and you realise one day that a certain movement doesn’t cause as much pain anymore. That’s what the earliest signs felt like. Among the little wins I started to keep track of:

  • I noticed I could get through part of the day without thinking about them. Sometimes this was because I’d focused on something that made me feel good—reading, working, walking, anything that put me back in my own world.

  • I didn’t feel the urge to talk about them constantly. I used to bring them up in conversations almost automatically. Over time, I realized that rehashing things wasn’t helping me heal, it was keeping me stuck.

  • I stopped replaying scenes in my head. The mental reruns of what was said, what I wish I’d said, or what could’ve gone differently began to slow down.

  • Everything didn’t remind me of them anymore. Early on, it felt like every street sign, joke, or food order brought them to mind. Eventually, that faded.

  • When I did think of them—say, during a scene in a movie—I could acknowledge it and gently let the thought pass. That was new for me.


The intermediate signs of healing

After the first stages of healing, when you’ve moved on from the daily emotional roller coaster, there are still moments that can catch you off guard. It could be a song that reminds you of them. Or maybe you choose not to go to a certain cafe because it used to be your regular when you were together. The changes I talk about here in the intermediate stages are more about how old triggers might affect you. I noticed as my healing was progressing, the memories didn’t sting as much. I definitely felt something, but just a tiny flutter of remembering, as opposed to something that might stop me in my tracks. For example:

  • I could hear music we used to love and still enjoy it. The song didn’t have to be off-limits nor did it cause me emotional distress.

  • Someone else’s breakup story didn’t knock the wind out of me. I could listen with empathy, not through the lens of my own pain.

  • I started to understand what that relationship meant to me, without obsessing over it. It became part of my story, not the whole thing.

  • I didn’t have a visceral reaction when an old photo memory popped up on my phone of us.


Big steps that point to being genuinely over a breakup

These were the signs that made me realize I’d reached the other side. Again, I could not tell you an exact day or timeframe that this happened. I was too busy living my own life. I can say that it was such a satisfying feeling to know that I had made it through. Some of the bigger milestones I realized I had experienced were:

  • I stopped counting the days since the breakup. In the early stages, I knew exactly how many weeks had passed. One day, I realized I’d lost track and I didn’t care to find out. It was no longer important to me.

  • Significant dates no longer brought pain. I once ended a relationship on Valentine’s Day and assumed that date would forever sting. Spoiler: it doesn’t. It honestly feels like any other day now and I enjoy seeing people get gifts for each other on this day now.

  • I didn’t get nervous or excited about the idea of hearing from them. A message from them or a post on their feed didn’t bring up much at all—just a reminder that this person is no longer part of my life. That my energy belongs elsewhere.

I know these reflections might sound a little clinical. But the truth is, there were so many messy, emotional moments between each one. Healing was not a simple path. There were days where I felt great and there were days that I felt as though I had gone backward a few steps.

If you’re reading this and wondering if you’ll ever feel that your over a breakup, I hope you’ll hold on to the fact that it really does happen. You don’t have to force it or rush it. Just keep turning back to yourself—your routines, your people, your peace. And trust that one day, you’ll look back and barely recognize the person you were with and the person who thought they’d never get through it.


Related Reads from The Modern Workweek

Looking for more support or fresh perspectives? Here are three posts that complement your journey and healing process:

Laura Santiago
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