10 Things I Learned 10 Years After My Divorce

This year marks ten years since my divorce.

It's strange because for a long time, it felt like the defining event of my life. It consumed my thoughts, my writing, my decisions, and every bit of energy I had. Today, it's simply part of my story.

Time has given me enough distance to look back without the intensity that once surrounded it. I've learned a lot—not just about divorce, but about myself, independence, parenting, and the life I've built since.

These lessons are mine, shaped by my circumstances. Some parts of my experience may resonate with you, while others won't. My hope is simply that if you're in the middle of something difficult, you'll see that there really can be light at the end of the tunnel.

What I learned in the years after getting divorced

1. Every divorce story is different

One of the reasons I write carefully about divorce is because my experience isn't the divorce experience—it's simply mine.

I faced challenges that other people may not. Living an ocean away from my core family support system meant there were times I felt incredibly alone. At the same time, I also recognize that I had a level of financial stability, even during the leanest years, that not everyone has the privilege of.

Whenever I share these divorce stories or tips, it's in the hope that someone can relate to pieces of them, not because I believe my path is the blueprint.

2. You'll be amazed by how much you move on

When you're in the middle of divorce, it feels life-altering because it is.

But something surprising happens over time.

The event that once defined your days slowly becomes one chapter among many.

Today, the biggest reminder of that period is simply where I chose to live – which is based on where the kids go to school. Nearly every other part of my life has been built through decisions I've made since then. If I didn't have years of blog posts documenting that season, I don't think I'd spend much time thinking about it at all.

3. I still believe in love

People sometimes assume divorce makes you cynical.

For me, it didn't.

I still love love.

But I've also discovered how much I love having my own life, my own home, and the freedom to shape my future. I don't imagine I'll ever intertwine my life with someone else in quite the same way again.

I find enormous fulfillment in being responsible for my own happiness. And with one grown child and another making their way through middle school, I already have plenty of people counting on me.

4. I love being the steward of my own life

There's something incredibly satisfying about knowing that the life I'm building is mine.

It's not always easy. Sometimes it's exhausting knowing every decision rests on my shoulders.

But for much of my life, I played a supporting role—helping someone else's dreams come to life. Now I get to invest that same energy into projects, goals, and relationships that matter deeply to me.

It’s an incredible privilege.

5. I learned I could support myself

This was one of my biggest fears.

When I was first navigating divorce, I was home with my children and the idea of making a living through writing felt almost impossible. I didn't get here overnight. It was a series of planned and also lucky steps that brought me a career that previously only existed in my imagination. I'm still amazed that I pulled it off.

6. Eventually life becomes steady again

One thing nobody really tells you is that the volatility eventually settles. Life becomes predictable and you settle into the comfort of routines again. I spent a good number of years post-divorce taking as many naps as I could throughout the day. I felt the physical effects of so much stress for a long time. That’s what I needed for a long while to get to a set point that felt healthy again.

7. New challenges replace the old ones

Leaving a difficult marriage comes with its freedoms and its own challenges. For me, it came at a really distinct period of change and knowing that I would be facing a different season of life. Now, on the other side of 40, I'm facing down things like menopause, watching my children becoming more independent, and making sure to spend more time my parents because I know they won't be here forever.

Life keeps changing and in these years what I'm grateful for is that I get to face these seasons without carrying the constant emotional weight of an unhappy marriage. Instead, I can spend my energy on the people and experiences that truly matter to me.

8. Freedom has become my greatest luxury

Even though I'm responsible for everything, I have so much more freedom than I ever did before.

Freedom to make decisions.

Freedom to create traditions.

Freedom to choose how I spend my time.

Freedom to build a life that reflects my values.

Of everything divorce gave me, this is what I treasure most.

9. Healing didn't end when the marriage did

One thing I underestimated was how long it would take to understand the parts of myself that led me into an unhealthy relationship in the first place. Divorce really marked the beginning of my healing process.

The deeper work happened afterward as I unpacked old patterns, explored my sensitivities, and learned to show up for myself in healthier ways.

Ten years later, that work still continues.

10. Watching my children see me become myself has been worth everything

When I was deciding whether to leave, one thought outweighed everything else.

I wanted my children's lives to be unburdened by our dysfunctional relationship dynamic.

I wanted them to grow up in a home that wasn't filled with arguments or emotional tension.

I wanted to be a present, engaged mother instead of someone constantly trying to shield them from turmoil.

Looking back ten years later, I feel immense relief that I get to parent the way I believe is best in my own home. More than that, my children have watched me build a life, pursue meaningful work, and become more fully myself.

Of all the uncertainties I wrestled with back then, this is the one decision I feel the greatest confidence about.

What I’d say to anyone at the beginning of their divorce

If I could go back and speak to the version of myself who was standing at the beginning of this journey, I'd tell her this:

You won't always feel this overwhelmed.

You won't always feel this scared.

One day you'll wake up and realize your life isn't defined by what happened to you, but by everything you chose to build afterward.

You’re going through this so you can have the chance to redirect your life toward something that is right for you.