8 Signs That I Was Settling In My Relationship

How do you know you’re settling in a relationship when things mostly seem fine? Marriage is full of compromises so forgoing some of the things you imagined for yourself might be part and parcel of the exercise. But I also think there’s a distinction between compromising on the little things and compromising on the big things that are materially important to you living a fulfilling life.

Forgetting That My Needs Mattered

When I was younger, being in a relationship took my entire attention. I constantly thought about what the other person needed and made sure I was doing my part to be a good partner. In that way, I kind of had blinders on in my previous relationships.

I think this was what I experienced when I first got married. The most important thing to me, what I thought being a supportive wife was, was to carry the weight of a relationship, do more than my part to uphold the status quo. Instead, I learned that this was a recipe for disaster. I stayed married much longer than I should have and became so tuned out of my own wellbeing during that period that it took me a decade to even gain some semblance of sense of self again.

What Does It Mean to Settle in a Relationship?

I think the most common impression of settling is accepting a relationship with someone who is ‘beneath you’ in terms of quality – whatever that means. Maybe you think they’re not ambitious, or they don’t have their life together, and somehow (due to loneliness, or because you like how they make you feel) you look past it and stay with them. I think people are pretty aware when they are settling in this way, but I think the other ways we can settle can be even more insidious.

For my own purposes, I think about settling in terms of the things that are patently important to you. So, when you will ‘settle for less’ it means you’re actively making the decision to accept less or different than what you truly want for yourself. By this definition, a partner can look great on paper and have everything that others would value, but if it doesn’t align with what you specifically need or want out of life, I would consider this settling.

Settling doesn’t come without trade-offs. And if you’re settling in areas of your life that are extremely important to you, for example you want kids but they don’t, or if you want to live close to family but their job is overseas, these are not small compromises. Those are extremely huge life decisions that can have large consequences.

Yes, I understand that every marriage requires compromises. But when I think of compromise, I think more on the scale of agreeing on going to his favorite Italian place when you felt like Mexican food but knowing that you guys will go to your choice next time. The give and take are easier and there’s more chance for equity.

In a nutshell, if there is something in a relationship that is super important to you, and you’ve accepted a relationship that doesn’t include this, you’re settling. You may go into this with your eyes open, but you might be unaware of what implications this sacrifice has on the near or distant future.

And I know of these things because I settled in so many ways during my marriage.

Here are a few of the things I was blind to and didn’t have the foresight to avoid when I was in a relationship:

The 8 Signs I Was Settling In My Relationship

1. I kept insisting to myself that I didn’t need very much and though it was a virtue

This one hurt a lot to realise. I totally neglected my own emotional needs and was looking after what my partner needed.

I was low maintenance, I could handle myself, I didn’t need very much. I cringe when I see how little I cared for myself and in turn I never expected that kind of support from my partner even though I was giving it in spades.

What I realise now is that you can’t really be considered a good, considerate person unless you’re good and considerate to yourself.

2. I was more focused on a few needs being met than demanding the whole relationship package

A sense of financial security and wanting to be with someone who was consistent overrode my need to ask for more. But the reality is that I need plenty more things than those two (most pressing needs at the time). I now want those PLUS an emotional connection, physical chemistry, intellectual chemistry, similar interests. Just because someone comes to tend to your most exposed wound doesn’t mean that it’s enough to sustain an entire relationship and marriage and I feel sad when I think about deciding to forgo wanting someone to understand me to appease those feelings in myself.

3. I thought I could love more and compensate for what was missing

I spent so much time thinking that I could unilaterally fix what was wrong in my relationship by changing myself and not asking the other person to step up. I think it might have been because I was too scared to admit or find out that they were not going to make those changes for me or weren’t capable of it.

4. I didn't expect my partner to lighten my load

I was overly self-sufficient and looking back now I guess that’s precisely why I was chosen. I was always there to help them, but I was on my own most of the time with the things that meant something to me. They might support me with financial things, but never in a way that sacrificed their time or required them to tend to my needs.

5. I felt more like a home manager than a romantic partner

I carried so much of the household and relationships we had as a family. I was basically an assistant in my husband’s life. I was the help. And because I felt like that satisfied my need to be ‘useful’ it fit right in with my world view. I didn’t look at the other parts of our lives that were missing.

6. You overlook the things you’re unhappy about

Especially when you stop even attempting to say something to change it and accept that things are never going to change. These tiny disappointments turn into big ones that eventuate into death of your needs.

7. You find yourself lowering the bar

This is a very disheartening sign because it’s pretty close to admitting defeat, that you don’t ever expect better. Somehow you get to a point where you’re just being grateful for slightly more than the bare minimum.

"They're nice."

"They don't cheat."

"They have a job."

"They're trying."

8. I was afraid that ending things might negatively impact my lifestyle and that of my kids

For me, it was a fear that I wouldn’t be able to figure out life by myself. Well, 10 years on I’m’ doing it, so go figure. Fear of starting over, fear of having to date again, fear of loneliness, are reasons that people stay in lackluster or even bad relationships.

It took me being more scared of the kind of trauma I was going to cause the kids in a household where we were arguing all the time to finally overcome my own fears.

Why We Settle

I don’t think most people go into a relationship intending to settle, but there are plenty of reasons that it might provide the most comfort to us in the moment. We might feel:

·       Fear of being alone or that you won’t ever find someone who truly could match every quality on your list

·       Maybe you wanted a sense of security, it was attractive at the time to be with someone who protected me and handled the finances, but over the years I felt like I was living in a gilded cage. I tell people I never really grew up until I left the marriage.

·       Maybe you think you’re at the right age to be in a relationship or married and the person in front of you seems like a fine match, but would you still be with them if you didn’t have the pressure to meet your own life timeline?

What Helped Me Raise My Standards

This is still a work in progress for me and gets tested every time I meet someone new. Because when I get really excited about someone I have the foresight to step back and think about how much they really are compatible with the life I’m creating for myself and what I want out of a partnership.

A big part of it is understanding who you are. How can you know someone is a match for you if you are still figuring out for yourself what you want? It might be a little too easy for the great person right in front of you to influence (through no fault of their own) what you think you want.

Staying connected to yourself is one of the best ways to make sure you don’t fall for any of the traps of settling.