What Not to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce (and What to Say Instead)

When someone you care about is going through a divorce, it’s natural to want to help. But good intentions can sometimes come out the wrong way. Certain comments, even if meant to comfort, can add stress or make your friend feel misunderstood.

When I was going through my divorce I had my share of strange comments from people who didn’t really consider how I might be feeling at the time. You might not always say the right thing, I definitely understood the well-intentioned ones, but here are some of the things that I’d probably steer clear of when supporting a friend who is going through a split.

1. Avoid Badmouthing Their Ex (It Could Backfire)

It can be tempting to share every negative thought you’ve ever had about your friend’s ex, but resist the urge. There’s always the chance they might reconcile, and your comments could make future interactions awkward.

Better approach: Keep your opinions neutral and focus on your friend’s wellbeing.

2. Don’t Scare Them With Divorce Horror Stories

Telling someone how awful your divorce (or someone else’s) was might feel like solidarity, but it can overwhelm them. They don’t need to brace for every worst-case scenario right now, and it probably wouldn’t be helpful to do so.

Better approach: Offer reassurance and ask how you can help in the moment.

3. Skip the “Can You Work It Out?” Question

For many people, this question feels condescending. I’m one of those people. Being someone who thinks through my actions very carefully and weighs all the different scenarios, it was almost as though someone was asking me if I was really sure of my decision. Only someone who didn’t know me at all would ask that. I probably didn’t need to feel so offended by the question, plenty of people make rash decisions, but it made me feel like a child.

I would say this would only be an appropriate question if you know previously that they had been working on their relationship and openly discussed that with you.

 
Better approach: Trust that they’ve thought through their decision. Say something like, “I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

4. Don’t Make It a Competition of Who Had It Worse

Sharing your own divorce story can be helpful if it offers empathy or practical advice, but don’t turn it into a “one-up” contest. When someone tells you they’re divorcing, the focus should remain on their situation.

Better approach: Acknowledge your experience briefly if releavant, then bring the conversation back to them.

5. “You’ll Meet Someone Better” Isn’t Always Helpful

While it may sound encouraging, this skips over the fact that they’re still processing the end of a relationship, and honestly it’s beside the point.

Better approach: Stay present. Let them lead the conversation about their future.

6. Don’t Pry for Details

Curiosity is human, but pressing for private details can make someone feel exposed or judged. This isn’t a juicy story for your consumption, this is their current situation that they’ve taken the time to share with you.

Better approach: Keep the focus on their wellbeing and let them share at their own pace.

Final Thought: Support Comes From Listening First

When someone’s going through a divorce, they don’t need you to fix it or have all the right words. What they’ll remember is who showed up without judgment, who listened without rushing them to the next chapter, and who made space for them to feel what they needed to feel.