Simple Ways to Connect With Others
Before I had a family, before I had a best friend of over 20 years and a support system that I could call on during times of difficulty, I remember feeling very alone.
I recall specific weekends when I was at college, and I lived near campus. The university I went to was a commuter school with students who stayed in the city during the week but expeditiously headed home on Friday night, laundry in tow, back to their families who were often based about an hour’s drive away. Even for someone like me who enjoys her solitude, it was very empty feeling to be one of the few people left behind on the weekends.
Getting out among other people, even if it was just to the local Target or boba spot, was essential for my mental health. If I didn’t purposefully venture outside I could go all weekend without hearing the sound of my own voice. I think back to that time and realize it was then that I got more comfortable with the idea of small talk, of connecting with others in short bursts of light-hearted dialogue that wasn’t particularly deep, but helped remind me that I was part of a community.
To me, connection can exist in small, ordinary moments where you show curiosity, attention and a willingness to be present with others. And if you don’t currently have a support system or close friends but you’re looking to change that, dipping your toe into the waters of connection with strangers is a good way to practice.
Connecting With Others in an Authentic Way
If you’ve ever felt unsure about how to connect with people (especially as an adult) these simple approaches can open the door without requiring you to become someone you’re not.
Getting Comfortable With the Art of the Cold Open
When I talk about a cold open, I’m talking about starting a brief exchange from nothing. In contrast to striking up a conversation after a shared and astonishing experience, this requires you to generate the interest and excitement. I naturally do this now (and perhaps annoyingly to my kids haha) when I step into the elevator with a neighbor. If they have their arms full of groceries I might say something like, ‘I also make it a point to only do one trip up.’ Or if they have a baby I might say, ‘How old is this little one?’
The point of this exchange is to notice the people around you and find some sense of authentic connection. If you really could care less about another person’s baby, please don’t open with that. It’s got to be real for you, maybe you can wait until you’re in a better headspace.
I’m very adamant that you only strike up a conversation if what is being said feels genuine for you. I only ask about someone’s handbag if I really have been looking for something like it, it must come from a place of truth otherwise you’re training yourself to be disingenuous. And people can tell whether you’re connecting or whether you’re speaking just to hear yourself talk.
To be clear, I consider this type of interaction to be a way to feel connected to people in general and not necessarily building a relationship. It’s my preference not to be too nosey with neighbors so I keep it light, but even this bit of practice helps you build up to more connected interactions with those you might spend more time with.
Practice Paying Attention to Others and What Moves Them
In the realm of work or school, one of the easiest ways to connect with someone is by asking them what they’re reading, watching or listening to lately.
It’s a low-pressure question, but it tells you a lot. What someone chooses to spend their time on often reflects what they’re drawn to, what they’re thinking about, or what they need right now. A book can lead to a conversation about values. A TV show can reveal humor, comfort, or nostalgia.
If you’ve consumed and loved the same media, you then have something to talk about!
Even if you haven’t seen it you might get good recommendations but also hold space for someone to talk about something they really care about which is a type of generosity to others.
Practice Having Curiosity About the Things Others Are Passionate About
People love to talk about the things they care about. And there’s something so powerful about giving someone space to light up about a subject they don’t often get asked about.
I’ve found that the more niche the better. It could be crossword puzzles, physics, machinery, a particular historical period, or a hobby they’ve been quietly devoted to for years. You don’t need to understand it deeply or share the interest yourself. Curiosity is enough.
I find it so charming when someone becomes animated talking about something very specific. Think about how Steve Irwin used to talk with such excitement about wildlife, it’s infectious. It’s a reminder that everyone has an inner world, and inviting them to share a piece of it is a generous act of connection.
Listening earnestly, without rushing to relate it back to yourself, is often where real connection begins.
Look for People who Already Love What You Love
Another simple way to connect with others is to put yourself in spaces built around interests you already have.
If you love independent films, go to a film festival or a screening of a movie you’re genuinely excited about. If you’re into books, attend a talk or reading. If you enjoy physical activity, try a class that aligns with how you like to move.
You’re far more likely to meet like-minded people when you’re doing something you enjoy. And after your aforementioned practice connecting with others around you, the conversation should flow even more naturally when you already share a point of interest.
Connection doesn’t require you to put on a show, in fact, it works better when you’re your authentic self. It can start with something as simple as a thoughtful question, listening without interruption, or showing up in spaces that feel aligned to who you already are. With enough care and patience, building connection is a skill that you can acquire, even if you don’t think it comes naturally to you.