If You Can’t Get Over Your Cheating Ex, Here’s What You Need to Hear
There’s a very specific kind of heartbreak that comes from loving someone who couldn’t love you properly back, or even worse, betrayed you. You’re left angry, sad, confused, embarrassed and doubting yourself. If this is also an on-again-off-again relationship, you’re not only grieving what’s gone but also bargaining with yourself about whether this really is the last time.
I’ve been there. I was in an on-again-off-again relationship with someone I genuinely believed was “it” for me. The connection felt rare. He understood parts of me that other people hadn’t even noticed. We laughed, shared interests, and when things were good, they were really good.
But there were cracks I chose to ignore. Looking back, he was quite inconsistent. I was left with a feeling of wondering whether it was a red flag coming from him, or if it was me getting cold feet about starting to get so close to someone so fast. I eventually learned it was both.
I was never fully secure with them. I carried anxiety that I couldn’t quite explain, and I told myself it was worth it (despite the cheating) to hold onto something that felt so special.
If I could go back and give myself some advice this is what I would say:
“Every time you go back to him you’re going to feel worse”
Walking away from that relationship wasn’t a one-time decision. It was a process. A messy, drawn-out, emotionally draining process that took multiple attempts and a lot of heartache before I finally chose myself. When I called it quits the first time, I do think I really believed it. After the third or fourth time he knew that I wasn’t serious, that he could work his way back. And it would feel okay at first, but then we’d fall into the same old arguments.
“You deserve all the love that you’re trying to give that person”
If you’re stuck in that place right now, know that you have a choice to interrupt this cycle. I had kids that I had to think about. For me, I was eventually so tired of being thrown into emotional turmoil and not feeling like I was able to show up properly for them. I also thought, what kind person would put a single mother through all of this when she is literally holding the world together in her own home. I really looked at the situation differently after that.
Whatever it is for you, I hope that you see how harmful the back and forth could be for your sense of self and the trust that you have with yourself. Cultivating a relationship with yourself, minus them, might be the best way to break the cycle.
“Whether they love you or not doesn’t matter”
You might constantly be wondering how there could be such a disconnect between what this person says and how they make you feel. How can they see you so clearly, and still cheat on you? The hard part to accept is that it doesn’t matter if they love you, you’ll be miserable staying with a person who is unreliable and doesn’t have the ability to regulate their need for outside validation. It’s very possible that they love you, and they’re a cheater. Fixing that last part is a THEM problem.
“Your feelings were real”
How beautiful it is to know that you can love. It might have been pointed toward the wrong person but all those feelings that you had are yours. The way you showed up, the way you loved, the way you invested in that relationship—that all came from a genuine place. And that doesn’t suddenly become meaningless just because the other person didn’t meet you there. Don’t less this experience diminish what you felt. Be aware of how those feelings might have clouded your decision-making with this person, but don’t judge yourself for wanting to experience that feeling. You just need to practice your discernment going forward.
“They didn’t cheat because you weren’t enough”
You might compare yourself to the person they cheated with. Wonder if they were more attractive, more interesting, more exciting. Let’s be clear, cheating doesn’t happen because someone else is “better.” It happens because the person who cheated is looking for something external to fill something internal.
If someone relies on outside validation, attention, or ego boosts, no amount of reassurance from you will ever be enough to stop that behaviour. You could be more understanding, more attractive, more attentive—and it still wouldn’t fix it.
Because it was never yours to fix.
Again, this is a them problem, not a reflection of your value.
“No, you’re not a failure if you can’t let go of them the first time”
One of the hardest parts of letting go of a relationships is letting go of what you hoped it could be. You remember the good moments, the laughter, the memories and future you thought you were going to share. And every time you go back, it’s usually because you’re hoping this time it will match what you felt in those early days. Once trust is broken, it’s hard to go back to the way things were.
“Take time for yourself, learn from this, and trust that you’ll love again”
This experience, as painful as it is, can sharpen your instincts if you let it. A few things to carry forward:
Take your time.
You don’t need to rush into emotional investment. Let people reveal who they are through their actions over time.
Watch for how you feel, not just what they say.
If you feel anxious, uncertain, or like you need to “check” on them constantly, something might be happening with them or even with you. Don’t ignore it.
Look for consistency over intensity.
Big feelings can be intoxicating, but steady, reliable behaviour is what actually creates safety.
As for the self-love part, my hope is that you find ways to build trust in yourself and how you’ll care for yourself going forward when you go into the dating world again. Being able to step away from something that feels good but you know is harmful to you is such a powerful way to be your own hero.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need to rush the process of getting over them. It’s okay if it takes time. It’s okay if you still miss them, even knowing they weren’t right for you. But don’t confuse missing someone with needing them back in your life.